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The other night.....

Spike Spike came into my room at 3 a.m. sobbing hysterically.  I had him climb into bed with me while I held him....since I was mostly asleep and needed to be up in two hours. 

Buddy, what's the matter?? 

Why didn't you put my name in the concrete??

(We have a cement slab in the backyard that needed to be replaced when we moved in, April of 2009.  To commemorate our new home, after the slab was poured, we all wrote our name into the concrete.  Spike was born in July of 2011.)

In the back yard? That concrete?

Yes, (sniffle, sniffle, ....sob).....

When we poured that concrete and wrote all of our names into it, you weren't here yet and we didn't know you were coming.

But you should have put my name in the concrete too!!

But you were still living with Heavenly Father and we didn't know you were going to be coming to this house.  We thought everyone was already here. 

You should have known I was coming!!

Well, Heavenly Father knew you were coming and He knew when.  You arrived at exactly the right time to be able to do all the very important things Heavenly Father wants you to do.  If you had come earlier, you might miss some of those things.  He sent you at exactly the right time.  Because He doesn't make mistakes.  You came exactly when He knew you should.  And we are so excited that you came to our house!!  We love you!  Having you come, when we didn't know you were coming was like getting an extra Christmas present!!!  Who wouldn't want an extra Christmas present????!!

That seemed to quash the drama.  I still had to let him sleep on the couch in my bedroom. Such a sensitive little soul that boy!

Getting into the Y.

I decided I wanted a few of my stories down for posterity.  I don't know how many I will write, but this is the first one.

LOVE the purple eye shadow! 😜

My senior year in high school, my parent sat us down in April to let us know that they would be getting a divorce.  I was just devastated.  I knew my parents had problems and fought sometimes, but I had no idea things were rough enough to consider divorce.  My dad sat us all down and said, "Your mother loves someone else and she is leaving us."  The truth was that my dad was kicking her out. 

Anyway, you already know I am the oldest of six.  I knew with my mother leaving, and the fact that I would soon graduate from high school, my dad was going to want me to step into her role and keep things functioning.  I did not feel up to the task and I had plans for my life.  I was just getting to the point where I could fly and I was terrified that I was going to get stuck cleaning up a mess that wasn't my responsibility.  Inside, I recognized that I was not responsible for the position my parents had put themselves and their children in.  But at almost 18, I also had no idea what to do or where to go.

So I did what you do when you don't know what to do---I asked a trusted adult.  My band director, Mr. Elkington, was a member of our Stake High Council.  He knew my parents.  He knew me.  I had worked with him in band for the last three years. We were both trumpet players and I knew he cared about me. 

The day after my parents told us, I didn't feel up to attending school.  I was too sad.  I knew I would just cry and cry and cry the entire day.  I was the happy girl at school.  I helped other people change their attitudes and see the brighter side of life.  But I was not in a place to do that on that day.  So I stayed home and sobbed all day.  The only problem was it was the day before a band concert.  I was the first chair trumpet player in the top band.  Missing rehearsal the day before a concert was death.  Never a good choice.

After school was over and I was sure I wouldn't run into any of my friends, I went to find Mr. Elkington to tell him why I wasn't in rehearsal.  I found him in the teacher's lounge and asked if I could speak with him.  We went out to his truck and I sat in the front seat and poured my heart out to him.  I expressed all of my sorrow and my fears and told him that I didn't have any idea what I should do or how I should handle the situation.  He listened to me cry for two hours.

Then he asked me some questions.

Do you want to go to college?       Yes.
Do you know where you are going?   No clue.
What kind of grades do you have?      Great ones.
Have you taken the SAT or ACT?      No, what is that?
Do you have any money?      Some, but not a lot.
You need to go to BYU.  Great, where is that?
Utah.  Utah??!

OK, Carin, I need you to do a few things.  Are you willing to do them?  I will do whatever you tell me to.

First, sign up to take the ACT.  Then go to counseling center and ask about a FAFSA application and start filling that out.  Call BYU and have them send you an application for enrollment.  You will need three people to write you letters of recommendation.  I will write one and then you need to find two other people to do that for you.  Can you do that?

Sure.

And then I did it.

By May I had received my acceptance letter to the University.  Mr. Elkington had connections at the University.  He called one of them and told him that I was coming and that I had to have a job in order to be there.  Would he please save a spot for me so that I could pay for my expenses.  He would.

Once I was accepted, I applied for housing.  I had always wanted to be in a sorority.  The dorms were the next best thing.  I had a friend from church who was also attending BYU.  She wanted me to room with her in an apartment building because it would be so much cheaper.  I appreciated her logic, but I just wanted to live in the dorms so badly that I decided I would do it for a year and then reevaluate.  I wanted to live in Heritage Halls, but they were full.  There was room in Helaman Halls, however.  At this point, I didn't care too much.  I just needed somewhere to live.  I got in!!  And I had enough money saved to pay for my initial deposits and rent. 

I was super excited!!!  I had housing!  I was admitted to the University!!  Now I just had to get there.

Once again, a miracle occurred.  An older friend, who had graduated from the University, was returning to get her teaching credential.  She would drive me out there with her.  I didn't even pay her for gas.

My father was not happy.  He begged me to stay home and attend U of O.  He would pay for my expenses.  I could live at home.  He would pay for tuition.......just stay home!

I knew from past experiences that my father would start out with the intentions he promised.  Then, over time, sometimes not even very much time, he would find other reasons why he just couldn't keep his promises.  Then I would be stuck, with no options. 

I decided that the chance for freedom outweighed the promises that would not be kept.  Once I had decided I was going, I just kept plowing forward. 

I will forever be eternally grateful for Mr. Elkington and his counsel.   Literally, he affected my eternity.  I met Drew at BYU in the dorms.  We now have ten beautiful children.  I recognize that getting into the Y in May of my senior year for the fall was a miracle!!  With my children who have attended the Y, applications are due December 1st the year prior to enrollment.  Decisions are made by March!  I didn't even apply until April!!  I LOVE my education and I use it every day!!  I wanted to document this story in my life to remind myself and others, that God can do His own work!  He doesn't need us.  But He allows us to participate in the process for our growth and development.  If I had known the process for enrollment and how competitive it was at BYU, I may never have applied.  But I was completely naive.  I just did what I was told, and because I acted in faith, the Lord did the rest.

28 year reflections.....

Well, this 'get back into blogging thing' is harder than I thought.  My emotions for the past year have been all over the place.  I am learning to manage sadness better....past sadness and present sadness.  Lucky for me the Lord is giving me plenty of opportunity to practice it.  I am just tired of it.  Crying all the time is really stinky, in that your nose is stuffy and you have puffy eyes and your make up runs everywhere.  And then when people say, 'what's wrong?' and you just say, 'I'm sad' but can't really tell them why because there are so many reasons.  Blah!  Too much sadness.  Guess I have been stuffing it for only 30 years...so I can't really expect it to be over in a day or two.

kb4images.com

Today, I am actually feeling really happy....grateful for my life and the blessings I have---frustrated about plenty of things, but feeling like I can actually accomplish some goals and make some headway.

I have to remind myself, as I feel frustrated with where I am and how slow this whole healing thing is going. that I am doing so much better than I have in the past, even if the scale doesn't necessarily reflect the progress I have made.

It is time to recommit myself to taking care of me--not just emotionally, but physically as well---eating right, sleeping more and exercising more regularly.  I used to exercise all the time!  I loved it!!  Then I had so many babies so close together that consistent, hard exercise seemed unrealistic.  Now I have the time and the desire, but my body is having trouble cooperating. Do you have any idea how much harder exercise is with an extra 60 pounds?  Blah!!!  Now I have to be diligent in my food intake as well.  More self discipline.  Ugh!

I was going to give you an update on the fam, but I think it is wrong of me to post the kids lives on my blog, since six of them are adults......I should probably let them share or not share their own news.  But just to satisfy your curiosities, no marriages yet.  At this point, I am not sure how much they are even dating.......  Nosy mothers don't get very far.

I am rereading that book series.  That might be why more of the sadness is surfacing.  I think I cleaned out some or even a lot of it, but obviously not all of it.  So more work on that front.

Guess what?  Yesterday was my 28th anniversary!!!  Twenty-eight years of marriage!!  Can you believe it?

copyright:  Karen Larsen photography

I should probably actually get to the reflections part.  Here goes.

• I love my husband more now than I did when we first married.  He is an amazing man, who is kind, sweet, adorable, and he loves me and worships the ground I walk on.  He is gentle and sensitive and he cares.  For all of our differences, and disagreements over the years, we know each other better and appreciate each other more.  What would I do without him?
• Parenting is just plain hard.  I thought after so many children that I would know what I was doing.  True, I am a better parent than when I started, but each and every child makes me learn something new in parenting that individual.  They are all exhausting.
• I am going to venture to say that the older they get, parenting seems more difficult.  Not kidding.  When they were little, I was in charge of everything--from what they ate to when they slept, who they played with, and what they wore.  I almost always knew where they were and what they were doing.  Now, I have no clue.  Though I love my adults and love being their mother, I rarely know where they are or what they are doing, and sometimes when they tell me, I really wish that they hadn't.  And our conversations take way more time!!
• Money really doesn't matter so much.  I really thought while we were so young and struggling that when we made what we are making now, life would be so easy to manage because we would have plenty of resources.  Not so.  We spend a ton more and not on anything fun like huge family vacations or new automobiles or even a house.  We pay for travel for children, tuition that was short, housing that couldn't be met, food at the end of a college month.  And we haven't even started paying for wedding things yet.  Yikes!!
• Though I hate moving, it does make you clean out your stuff!  We have not moved for almost 10 years.  The garage will testify to that fact.  I hate cleaning the garage.
• As life slows down, I have more time for reflection.  People don't ask me to do as much as they once did.  Most of my friends with little people don't ask me to watch their kids.  I still have tons to do.  I just tend to do it by myself.  All of my friends who are my age, have gone back to work and the young moms all hang out with each other.  I spend a lot of time preparing for seminary, and working around the house and just cleaning out my emotional closets.  I am ready to start managing some yard work and tackling housing projects.
• The Lord has been so very good to us.  We have definitely had our trials and our heartaches and we will undoubtedly have more.  I mean, think about it.  Life is hard for all of us.  There are a lot of learning experiences, for everyone.  As my children grow, they will each have their own.  I know it will be a different learning experience to watch them struggle through their issues while I just do what I can to help them.  We have had some things like that, but nothing like watching your children manage the issues of their children.  I would bet that is a whole different ball of wax.
• The gospel is still true.  I hope I will continue to be true to the gospel.

copyright:  Karen Larsen photography

Well, there it is.  Enough blogging today.

Conditions of the Heart

copyright: Karen Larsen photography

I have so many thoughts swirling around in my head right now that I don't even know where to start.  It seems fitting, probably, that for the sake of our discussion today, I should begin with this quote:

“The heart is a tender place. It is sensitive to many influences, both positive and negative. It can be hurt by others. It can be deadened by sin. It can be softened by love. Early in our lives, we learn to guard our hearts. It is like we erect a fence around our hearts with a gate in it. No one can enter that gate unless we allow him or her to.

“In some cases the fence we erect around our hearts could be likened to a small picket fence with a Welcome sign on the gate. Other hearts have been so hurt or so deadened by sin that they have an eight-foot (2.5-m) chain-link fence topped with razor wire around them. The gate is padlocked and has a large No Trespassing sign on it. …

“… The condition of our hearts directly affects our sensitivity to spiritual things. Let us make it a part of our everyday striving to open our hearts to the Spirit. Since we are the guardians of our hearts, we can choose to do so” (Gerald N. Lund, “Opening Our Hearts,” Ensign or Liahona, May 2008, 33, 34).

I relate to this quote is ways I can scarcely venture to enumerate!  Part of my heart has had that small picket fence with the welcome sign on it.  Then about four miles into it, I have that other fence, erected with eight foot walls, razor wire and the no trespassing sign.

It has been a crazy journey over years of time, as the Lord has tried to teach me about the condition of my heart and the necessity of taking down the razor wire, opening up that second gate and dismantling the fence.  I have fought Him most of the way, because someone might get in and mess up that deepest, most sacred, and tender place in my heart.....of myself.

I have finally come to recognize that the place I have walled up, with a no trespassing sign, is the most beautiful part of me.  I keep it hidden because people have hurt me in ways that I wasn't aware of and I just declared, early on.....No more!  No one else is getting in.  Then no one else can hurt me like that!

I have often assumed it was my parents divorce that did that to me.  That was my first conscious memory of stuffing my feelings and sadness into a box and trying to keep it there and keep the lid on it.  I knew I would eventually get to the box, but it seemed so much easier to just keep putting more pain and sadness in the box and deal with it later.  There was always later, right?  I would have time.  As more and more sadness got stuffed in there, I had trouble keeping the lid on the box.  Food became the answer.  If I ate enough food (carbs and sugar and chocolate, oh my gosh, chocolate!!), then I could keep from feeling the things that were leaking out of the box.  It was getting full in there, you know?

So I kept at it.  More stuff in the box, more food to keep it closed.  And if I kept myself too busy, then I could also distract myself from what was in the box and what I was truly feeling.

Over the years, I have recognized the box, and the fences or walls as I referred to them.  I recognized I had some control over the walls, not completely, but I could sense that sometimes they were up and sometimes they were down.  Sometimes I could wish they were down and they would magically go down.  Sometimes people would say or do something to me or my kids, and the walls would go right back up, or I would add a new layer of razor wire.  Other times, I just put people on a black list, indicating they would not ever be able to enter, not in a million years.

My Father in Heaven has been so good to me in teaching me about all of this stuff about me.  My learning has come in so many areas:  scriptures, teachings of the prophets, conversations with friends, blog posts of others, movies, and recently, a fictional book series.  Yes I am serious!  That is the last place I would expect to learn something about myself.  But it happened.

A friend of mine (a librarian, hahahaha!) was reading the series and she and I have had more than a few conversations about our hearts.  She asked me if I had read it or would be willing to read it.  We are going on a fast weekend getaway together soon and she wanted to discuss it with me, so would I read it.  Sure!  Not a problem.

I read the series.

I am going to purchase that series and keep it around so that I can read it often!!!  The entire series mirrored my personal experiences, except that the main character is a famous rock star....that part doesn't match my life.  The first book had so many similarities that I had to put it down and cry and cry and cry.  Through that book, I sought out more revelations from the Lord to help me see how those things I was reading related to me and why they were so painful for me emotionally.  I learned new stuff about myself!  By the time I read the third book, I understood why I had created the box and the fence and how it was affecting my relationships (specifically my marriage).  It has been a crazy week this week.  The emotional roller-coaster has been exhilarating and exhausting.

Before I read the series, I got sick.  I never get sick for more than a day.  But I was sick and down for five days.  I didn't have enough energy to do anything but read a book and I just happened to have this book series sitting in front of me.  Don't even try to tell me that Heavenly Father doesn't have a sense of humor.  He knew that I would 'get around to it' eventually, but He wanted me to do it now.  So He created or allowed the circumstances so that would be the course of my agency....to pick up the book and get going.

I can probably tell you more about it later.  I need to go and teach my seminary kids about the conditions of their hearts....that quote from above?  In today's lesson.  No joke.  As we do what He asks, when He asks, the pieces and meanings of our lives will come together.  They do for me, and they will for you!

Have a great day!! 😎 We'll talk more later!