Family First Friday #4

Yesterday, I had a massive headache.  I could not think.  I sat down to do some brain work and I just came up blank.  But I realized that I could still do things that didn't take any brain power.  Yesterday was a great day for getting housework done. 

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Unfortunately, I didn't realize it until about 2:00 in the afternoon.  So after I picked the little guys up from school, I set out to do yard work, another mindless task.  As I gathered the clippers and rakes up to get started, Shorty asked what I was doing and indicated a desire to join in.  He had been fairly grumpified since we brought him home from school.

As we chopped the bushes, he started talking.  Here a little, there a little.  Pretty soon he said, "I think I wanted to come out and help because I was grouchy."  (Really?  I had kind of noticed.)  "I'm feeling better now."

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Sometimes our children just need our time.  They may not even realize that is what they need.  We can still accomplish things and spend time with our children. 

When I was in college, I took a class on work and the family.  It mostly talked about how family life has changed over time, specifically with industrialization.  Before industrialization, families worked at home.  Fathers were farmers, blacksmiths, carpenters, etc....  Most fathers worked at home, so when there were family issues, fathers were there and available to help, counsel, etc....  Fathers, mothers, children all at home working for the economy of the family and community.  With industrialization, fathers were taken out of the home and had to go to work at the factory, bank, grocery store, etc...  Fathers in the workplace, mothers and children at home.  Then with the World Wars, some women moved into the work force.  With the sexual revolution of the sixties and women's rights movements, more and more mothers moved from their work in the home and joined the fathers in the factories, leaving the children at home alone (latch-key kids), or to be tended by others. 

Today, most parents work outside of the home and their time in the home is extremely limited because our society tells us our time should be filled with activities and leisure, computer time and entertainment.  Very few activities are geared toward the entire family participating in the same activity at the same time.  And when some families are home, now they are plugged into headphones so even if they are in the same room, they aren't interacting with one another.  What a lonely world we live in.  We have more social interaction than any other people in history, yet we are completely isolated even in our homes. 

Those are some of the reasons we limit our television viewing to entire family options; we have one television and whatever is on it has to be appropriate for the littlest person in the room.  We do not have MP3 players, Ipods, cell phones, even laptops (college students, excepted, and they live away from home).  We spend time doing things as a group, whether it is watching TV, playing a game, having family home evening, yard work, housework, cooking, eating, whatever!!

Yesterday, doing our mindless work, my little Shorty was able to just talk to his mother about things that were on his mind.  He just needed my time.  And because my brain was unoccupied somewhere else, he had it, even while we chopped bushes.  The next time you sense one of your children needs to talk, or maybe they just haven't shared their life with you recently, invite them to participate in some mindless task with you.  I guarantee you they will start talking to fill the silence.  You can ask them questions to get them going.  Don't make it personal, at first, if you are struggling in your relationship.  Just ask them what they think about a particular topic.  Make it an open-ended question.  (Read this article for help.)  {Yes, it is talking about teaching the gospel, but it will work with people in general.}  Really get to know those children who are yours to love.

Sunday's adventures

You already know that my little Spike, Spike has a temper and attitude.  He is like many of my children in that respect.  But he is also highly, emotionally volatile.  He is doing a fabulous job at communicating with words but he often changes his mind in the middle of something and then gets upset if you continue doing what you thought he wanted. 

Look at this cute face!  Does he really look

 like he can cause THAT much drama?

Sundays have been a particular challenge because he has decided that he doesn't like church clothes.  Some Sundays it is the texture of the clothes, others it is the color of the clothes and other days, I don't really know what the issue is.  I could tell this last Sunday was going to be particularly difficult because half an hour before the meetings started, he was still running around the house in a diaper and refusing to put clothes on. 

After working with him for about 10 minutes, I left him in the care of his sister to see if she could make more headway than I had been able to.  Ten minutes before the meetings started, she still hadn't been successful.  I decided that we needed to put his clothes on, now and I chose clothes for him and stuffed him into them.  Of course, he kicked and screamed the entire time.  I put his shoes and socks on, he ripped them off.  I sent Sun to church while I decided what to do with this very upset little man.

I thought maybe if we got out of the house, he would do better.  I put his shoes back on and walked out of the front door and sat down on the step, placing him on the ground in front of me.  More kicking, whaling, flailing, and screaming, pulling on his shirt yelling, "Not this!!!  Not this!!"  I just watched him roll around in the front yard while many ward members were driving by on their way to church.

The debate, of course, was should I take him to church like this or just stay home with his attitude.  I finally decided that we needed to go to church, shoes or no shoes.  He calmed down enough to sit in my lap and I took the shoes off of him.  He asked me to take off his shirt, and I told him only if he would choose different ones.  I knew it wasn't about the clothes because I chose something comfortable, all cotton and the thing he  usually chooses for himself.  I hugged him for just a moment, then said, "We need to go to church."

"No Mom!!! No church!!"

I stood up, grabbed his socks and shoes and while he yelled and wriggled and pushed on me, we began the walk to church.  He started pulling my hair and yelling, "Help! Help!"  Really, I thought?  I am your mother.  You need help because I am carrying you to church without shoes or socks?  Is this really worth the drama??  Good grief!

As we walked into the building, the opening hymn was playing and the Spirit distilled upon my little one. I felt 'the fight' leave his little body.  I still traveled straight into the Relief Society room because I wasn't going to manage his attitude in the chapel.  We sat there until they began playing the sacrament hymn, at which point, I asked him if he would like to sit in the foyer so we could take the bread and water.  "Yes," was his response.  I picked up his shoes and we went into the foyer.

There we sat until they had finished administering the sacrament.  "Milk?" 

"Yes, you can have your milk.  But it is in the chapel.  You will need to put your shoes on before we can go into the chapel and get your milk."

"Milk?"

"Will you put your shoes on now?"

"Yes."

"OK."  I put his socks and shoes on.  They opened the chapel doors and we went in.  As we approached our bench, he started to hesitate entering it.  He wanted to sit on a different bench.  I scooped him up, explained that his milk was in this bench and we needed to sit down.  He relented.

We only made it through one speaker before something else set him off and we spent the rest of the meeting in the foyer, him sitting quietly on my lap with my arms around his knees.  Needless to say, by the time nursery class rolled around, I think we were both ready for the break.

This was just another evidence to me of my growth in motherhood.  I would not have tolerated his behavior as a 'younger' mother.  Can you even imagine such craziness from a two-year-old.  I can see a teenager having that kind of a battle of the wills, but a two-year-old?  They are so easily distracted and dissuaded.  (Not Spike, Spike, obviously.)

Do I have that same kind of attitude with things I want or think I need and the Lord is telling me otherwise?  I know I am strong-willed and stubborn.  (Probably comes from my German ancestry!)  But geesh!

Also, it just reinforced to me the importance of taking our people to church.  It may be a fight to get them there.  It may not look pretty and we may not feel like going or seeing other people or being in a public place because of our attitude or the attitude of those we come with.  But it is still the right place to be and still where we should be.......all of us.  The way his little body melted with the Spirit of the music and the meeting, we all need that, especially when our attitude is screaming that it isn't what we want!!

Best of luck in the battles that you have raging at your house :-)  May the Spirit prevail and obedience win out!

Ship building, Anyone?

Recently I began reading the Book of Mormon again from the beginning.  I love the beginning.  I love reading Nephi's words!  I love his story and I love his faith!  One of my favorite sermons is after his brothers are complaining and murmuring and withholding their labor from him in his efforts to build a ship.  As Nephi sorrows over their obnoxiousness, his brothers begin to rejoice and say things like, "Ya....we knew you couldn't do it!!  You are just like Dad, thinking you can do these great things.  Right!"  Then he pretty much rails on them by bringing up the history of things they agree with, like Moses freeing the children of Israel from Egypt and the many, many miracles that happened as they traveled through the desert for 40 years and then eventually kick the people out of the land they used to live in (you know, before they were slaves in Egypt, so its been a while), and then inhabit that land. 

As I was reading that part of the story (1st Nephi 17) , these verses hit me like a ton of bricks:

49 And it came to pass that I, Nephi, said unto them that they should murmur no more against their father; neither should they withhold their labor from me, for God had commanded me that I should ^abuild a ship.

 50 And I said unto them: ^aIf God had commanded me to do all things I could do them. If he should command me that I should say unto this water, be thou earth, it should be earth; and if I should say it, it would be done.

 51 And now, if the Lord has such great power, and has wrought so many miracles among the children of men, how is it that he cannot ^ainstruct me, that I should build a ship?

 I had this thought, "Our Heavenly Father is all powerful and He knows everything.  Of course he could instruct Nephi how to build a ship."  I believe he did.  Nephi was not a ship maker.  He didn't come from some amazing ship building family.  I kind of think that maybe when the Lord told him, 'Hey, I want you to build a ship,' he might have said, 'What?!  You realize I have never done that before, right?'  Instead, the record says Nephi then asked where he needed to go to find ore, because he didn't even have tools.  OK so the prophet had to make his own tools so he could then build a ship??!!!  Yep!

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Then he did it, and they sailed across the Atlantic Ocean!  It was an impressive ship.

But how does this apply to me?  Luckily, the Lord has not asked me to build a ship.  He has, however, asked me to do some things I do not feel qualified for or capable of.  They are completely overwhelming to me and I feel like He asked me to build a ship---things I know nothing about, have no experience with and do not know how to start, let alone how to finish.  

But here's the deal.  The Lord does know how to do those things.  He has all power and all knowledge.  I believe that.  He knows how to do the things He has asked me to do.  (And He knows I can do them, or He wouldn't have asked me to do it!)  I know how to listen to Him.  I know how to follow His instructions.  I still have just been completely terrified to try because I am afraid to fail.  

Then, today, I came across this verse:

2nd Nephi 2:

 6 Wherefore, ^aredemption cometh in and through the ^bHoly ^cMessiah; for he is full of ^dgrace and truth.

Now, what does that have to do with our conversation?  I'll give you a hint:  for he is full of ^dgrace and truth.

Elder Bednar:
In my personal scripture study, I often insert the term “enabling power” whenever I encounter the word grace. Consider, for example, this verse with which we are all familiar: “We know that it is by grace that we are saved, after all we can do” (2 Nephi 25:23). I believe we can learn much about this vital aspect of the Atonement if we will insert “enabling and strengthening power” each time we find the word grace in the scriptures.

If I insert the words 'enabling power' into that scripture, it sounds like this, "Wherefore, redemption cometh in and through the Holy Messiah; for he is full of enabling power and truth."  That means, with the Savior's help, I can do all things that are asked of me, by the Lord.  I have the power to do it, even when I do not think I do, because He will help me through his grace, which he is 'full of' according to Lehi.  He can instruct me to do things I do not know how to, and things that are completely overwhelming to me, just like he instructed Nephi to build a ship.

What has the Lord asked you to do that seems overwhelming and impossible?  Have you asked for the enabling power of the Atonement to help you along?

Family First Friday #3

It has been a crazy week at our house!!  Tuesday we took little Spike, Spike to the doctor with an acute asthma attack.  We didn't end up going to the hospital, but we had lots and lots of medications and a follow up visit the next day.  The best part of the drama is that one of the medications they want him to take makes him puke, because the taste is just that nasty.  After I tasted it, I understood why he vomits after taking it.  So we had to figure out how to get him to take it and not vomit.  Can you say chocolate ice cream, anyone?  Of course, because he is allergic to milk, it had to be dairy free and cost an arm and a leg at the local hippy-mart, but we found some tasty stuff.  It worked for two doses and now he won't even eat the ice cream, even though he knows it is 'yummy'.  I guess he has associated his yummy with that nasty medicine.  Maybe he will never eat chocolate ice cream again....?  But I am really tired of washing clothing with vomit all over them, his and mine, and cleaning up the carpets, floors, chairs, etc....

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He is still struggling to breathe, but it is better.  I am still not sure what his triggers were, though we did rearrange the furniture in the family room the day before his attack.  Maybe that was it.

Speedy came home and shared a new found insight.  He said, "Mom, I have decided it is really great that we come from such a big family where we all like each other and enjoy spending time together.  I have met so many people in the last week who come from smaller families and cannot stand their parents or their siblings.  They just don't ever want to be around them.  It is so sad."

I had to agree with him.  I love hanging out with my family!!  We have a blast and I really like my people!!  But I am pretty sure that just because we come from a large family doesn't necessarily correlate with liking each other.  We have put a lot of time and effort into our relationships.  (And for those of my children who periodically have an attitude about one or more of those relationships, I plan ample opportunities for them to practice improving those relationships!  One of the boys, I actually told that if he didn't learn to get along with a particular brother, he would have mission companions just like him, and he did........but their relationship is better now.)

An example of how we periodically manage sibling relationships

They were actually happy in this photo and wanting to help one another.

Yesterday I spent most of the day helping little, little people.  A family in our area had their third baby yesterday so her two little ones were at my house for the labor and delivery.  Wow!!  I forgot how fast a house can be destroyed by a few little ones.  While you are cleaning up one mess, they are making a new one.  Of course, Spike, Spike did not think it was very cool that there were other little people here taking up my time.  For about 1/2 an hour, I added two more littles to the group...that was crazy!!  Anyway, all went well and everyone ended up being OK and having their needs met, and they were picked up before the missionaries arrived for dinner.

Here is a thought for stress management:  When you are feeling rather stretched to your limit, take a few minutes to free write on a piece of paper.  Just write anything that comes to your mind, or any feelings that you have.  Don't worry about trying to make sense of them or to write something coherent.  Just write and write and write until you feel like you have put it all out there on the paper.  As you look it over, you will probably realize some new things about yourself, maybe some feelings you are having that you didn't realize were there.

Make some choices.  Chances are there are a few things on the paper you can do something about.  Make a plan to manage those things or a time to make a plan (for instance, on Monday, I will figure out how to manage [blank]).  Chances are, there are also things on the list that you have no control over.  Turn those over to God or give the responsibility for them back to the person who they belong to (i.e. if you are worried about your grown daughter's health and she has to be the one to make the doctor's appointment, stop stressing about it and let her do it.  If she chooses not to, that is her choice and her responsibility.  Let go of that stress.  You don't need to carry it around.)

Take a deep breath and change the things you have some control over, and let the rest go.  Easier said than done, but with practice, you'll get better at it.  Just looking at this post, I can help my children to have better relationships with one another, but I cannot always control whether or not my baby is going to have an asthma attack (unless it happened because I rearranged the furniture....).  But I can control my response to his asthma attack and if I am going to follow the prescribed regimen for his condition.

I had better go now.  There are a few things on today's list, that I do have control over and need to tend to :-)  Have a great week!!  And remember, family first, always!

Little People Language

Do your little people have their own language for certain things?  Mine does.  Spike, Spike cannot say everyone's names so he has made up names for the ones he cannot say.  He calls Slim, Lee.  Spanky is Nice.  Scuff is D.  Sport is Buddy.  He can say Speedy's and Sun's names.  Shorty is Guys.  And for a while, Smilely was Bobo, but now he can say his name too.

The funnier things he has names for:

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Outside or Backyardigans:  "RRRRRRah RRRRRRah" (rolling your R's)
and his latest:

Run to the Monkeys, 

means, I have to go to the bathroom (because we have a monkey shower curtain in his bathroom).

Oh the things little people come up with!