New Callings--Post #2

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In case you didn't catch the hint from this post, on Sunday, I received a new calling. Yea!!!  Currently, I am serving as the 2nd counselor in the primary (children ages 18 months-11).  I always love receiving a new calling.  I enjoy the change of pace.

I also think it is a huge blessing in the church to have different people serve in callings because the change is often good for the people.  All people do not need the same things.  So if the same person is doing the same calling the same way for some 15 or so years, it is most likely NOT meeting the needs of the people.

lifeinniles.blogspot.com

Many moons ago, I served on our PTA for the first time ever.  I was the membership vice president.  It just meant that I drummed up people to join and pay their dues to join the PTA.  I was also in charge of the spaghetti dinner to get new members in.  I didn't think it would be any big deal because it seemed just like other dinners we had put on at church.  No big deal.  Only, it was a little bit of a big deal.  They had a binder of all of the people who had done the spaghetti dinner before me and how they had done it and what it looked like.  I'm sure this was to save time and not re-invent the wheel, kind of a theory.  Because I had done so many other dinners for church functions, I didn't bother much more than to glance through the binder and set it down.  People would ask me how it was going and I would tell them, "Great!  I think we almost have everything in place."  The night of the event went great with one exception.  With all of our dinners at church, we had never charged admission.  For the spaghetti dinner, people paid at the door.  Only, I didn't have any cash boxes out to hold the money or to give them change.  One of the teachers came to my rescue by providing the change box she had in her classroom and it eventually was all OK.  (It might have been good for me to read the binder they left.)

However, I am really glad we don't have binders chalked full of how the previous people before us served in a calling.  The benefits of the people always changing is that the calling changes (just a little) as well.  Don't get me wrong, we have the handbook which gives us great guidelines and insights and so we have some continuity throughout the church as to how the church should be functioning.  But there is also great flexibility in our ability to apply the guidelines.  Our job is to seek the Spirit to determine what the calling should look like for our ward and our people, and make adjustments.

willowwoodreliefsociety.blogspot.com

I'll give you an example.  When I was serving as the Relief Society President, I felt inspired to call a particular sister to serve as the visiting teaching coordinator.  The bishopric agreed and extended the call.  The sister accepted.  As we met to discuss the calling, it became apparent to me that the way I thought the calling should work was completely overwhelming for her.  I explained in our meeting that it might be good to get to know some more of the sisters in our ward so it was easier to make some decisions about who should visit teach who and who their companions should be.  She was a very shy sister and this thought was completely beyond her ability and comfort level.  I had also mentioned that once in a while we might need her to speak to our relief society about the importance of visiting teaching.  She had never spoken in front of a large group and didn't feel she could manage it.  And when I mentioned keeping the information on the computer, I think that is when our conversation was over.  As I recognized her panic in realizing some of the responsibilities I was asking for, I immediately talked about scaling the calling back.  We didn't have to use the computer.  There was no need for her to meet most of the sisters in the ward, and we could certainly have others speak to the group if necessary.  The calling did not have to look like I explained it to her.  We could make changes and adjustments that would suit her comfort level and still take care of the bulk of necessary work.  (I knew she was who the Lord would have me call.)

Unfortunately, I received a call from her husband the next day to let me know that she had been up all night, crying about our conversation and her feelings of inadequacy.  He explained that he didn't think it would be possible for her to fulfill the calling.  I felt so bad for her.  I worried that I had handled the situation badly.  I obviously did not know her well enough to help her to be successful in this new calling.  I worried that I had isolated her further.

Sometimes we have to think outside the box and look to the Spirit to help us see how we can have the guidelines of the handbook apply to the people we are serving.

Here is another example.

When I was called to serve as the Young Women's President, we had about 15 active girls, three classes, a full-presidency (minus the secretary) and three advisers.  When I was called, I had been one of the counselors.  I kept the counselor who had been serving with me.  We lost one of the advisers.  For months, we tried to fill the other counselor spot.  Every time I would pray about who should serve as the counselor, I received the same name.  Every time I submitted the name to the bishopric, they came back with "No."  My counselor and I would discuss the situation, pray about it, and come up with the same name, resubmit it, and the bishopric again told us, "No."  It was very frustrating because every time I went back to the Lord, and explained that the bishopric had told us no, and then I would ask, what do you want us to do now?  Every time, I received, "Submit the name again."  Seven times!!

I do not know what the process was for.  The calling was never extended and for months, we served as just a president and one counselor with two advisers.  Then it became apparent I was going to have to release my counselor.  (She has gnarly pregnancies and she had just told me she was expecting.)  In praying about how to fill the callings, I felt impressed to call my two advisers as counselors and then to just not fill the adviser spots.  I read over the handbook and realized that in smaller wards and areas, the young women's staff can be adjusted to fit the needs of the group.  (By this time, we had also graduated our oldest Laurels, who were about five or so girls and we didn't have more coming in.  The classes behind them were much smaller.)  If we just had a three person presidency and each of us worked specifically with one class, I thought that would work.  Although, I did feel like we needed one more person to serve with us.  But I didn't know who that was.  For a  while, it was just the three of us.

About a month later, a new family moved into the ward.  I felt like she was the answer to our prayers.  We submitted her name, the bishopric approved, and she joined our staff, as an adviser to all the young women, not a specific adviser.  I also asked her to join our presidency meetings.  She was confused and didn't think that was necessary, but I assured her it was.  We needed her voice and her experience in our presidency.  Both of my counselors were very young in their gospel experiences and this sister was a returned missionary.  We needed her insight and strength.

If you are currently serving in a calling and feel like something needs to change, talk to the people you have been called to work with.  If you are serving in a supporting staff position, talk to the counselor in your organization assigned to work with you.  If you are a counselor, talk to your president.  If you are a president, consult with your counselors, counsel with your bishopric member, (and of course, regardless of your calling, counsel with the Lord), and let your voices be heard.  When your leader then makes a decision that you may or may not agree with, know that you gave your opinion, and then support your leader, even if you do not agree with their course of action.  In this way, we can work in a manner pleasing unto the Lord to bring about his work and great purposes.  Sometimes we have to be willing to make adjustments to allow others to serve and sometimes we need to ask others to make adjustments so they can serve.  (But that should really be something that you have counseled with the Bishop about.)

Family First Friday---Emotional Band-aids.

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This week on Wednesday, I went to my dentist's office for a cleaning and check-up.  As I visited with my dentist and the hygienist, our conversation turned to our families, particularly our children.

The dentist was explaining how one of his young daughters (age 3-5) needed a band-aid for everything and that she was always 'wasting the band-aids' when she really didn't need them.  I balked at his comments and told him it was important to nurture and validate their feelings and emotions and if a band-aid could do the trick, then it wasn't 'wasted'.

He laughed and agreed they were 'emotional band-aids'.

bandaidwordpress.com---I LOVED these!

Let's just talk about that for a minute.

We help our children become emotionally healthy adults when we acknowledge their tender feelings regardless of their age.  Feelings are simply a product of our thoughts and experiences, the interpretation or meanings we give to our experience, interactions, and thoughts.  Who is to say how we should feel about anything??  Are you the feelings police?!  Me either.

A few weeks ago I went to watch a football game at a friend's house.  I was explaining to her how emotionally high maintenance our little Spike, Spike is.  (He is two.)  My friend works in the medical field (I think she is an ultrasound tech??!).  But she told me there is a part of the brain that controls your emotions and that by the time you are two, it is fully developed and functional.

thirstysoulhungryheart.com

Think about that----two year-olds can feel all of the emotions adults can feel, yet for the most part the rest of their physiology is not developed enough to express those feelings, or to understand them, or to reason through them.  Terrible-twos anyone??  What could be more frustrating?!  I have all these feelings, but I don't know why, or exactly what they are, or what to do about them and I can't even explain it to you because I don't understand it myself!  Augh!  Yes---I think I would have terrible twos too!

But we also have to remember that even though we need to validate our own feelings, and those of our children and spouses, sometimes we have misinterpreted information and therefore, our feelings, though valid, may not be accurate.

For instance, let's say I compare myself with Sister Perfect Housekeeper (comparisons are not usually emotionally helpful anyway!).  Every time I visit her home, it is in immaculate order.  I have heard other people make comments about how beautiful her home is and recently she taught a class entitled 'Spotless Living'.  I am no where near a perfect housekeeper.  I consider it a major accomplishment and I celebrate if all of the laundry in a week is finished or if the children actually wash the counters and the stove top when it is their turn for the dishes.  I cannot tell you the last time I washed windows and I recently realized it would help the children if I expected them to dust in their bedrooms (go figure!).  But if I take that information and use it to determine that my self-worth comes from how well I keep my house, I could quickly become depressed.  Because in this comparison, my feelings are valid.  I am not a great housekeeper.  I can use some work in that department.  But the truth is:  My self-worth is not determined by how well I keep house.  My feelings are valid, but inaccurate.

housekeeping.com

Sometimes, a lot of times, we need to help our children walk through these emotional discrepancies. Because you bombed a test, forgot your homework, crawled out of the wrong side of the bed, people laughed at you for your clothing or your beliefs, you wrecked the car, or yelled at a friend----none of these things make you a bad person or someone who is unlovable.  Difficult to deal with?  Sure.  And you may feel guilty for behaviors you should change (like yelling at a loved one) or hurt because of how others have treated you (laughing at your beliefs), but when we interpret those feelings to determine our value to humanity, those thoughts would be inaccurate.  We ALL have value.  We ALL have gifts to contribute, whether to the entire world, or to just one person.  We are ALL lovable and we can ALL change negative behaviors and become the kind of person we would like to be.

We should try to validate our children's feelings and the feelings of others.  After listening or while listening, identify the feeling, validate it and ask them if this is what they are feeling.  Examples could include:  That would be so frustrating!; Did that comment hurt your feelings?; Were you excited?; Did you feel warm and fuzzy when he said that?; I would have been angry too.  Give them their emotional band-aid!

Especially where negative emotions are involved, see if they are misinterpreting information that if considered may lead to different, more positive feelings within your child. 

Recently I read Chieko Okasaki's book: Being Enough.  I feel this story illustrates beautifully what we are talking about.  I quote Sister Okasaki, pp 131-132:

Sometimes what we're really good at is being unable to distinguish the important stuff from the unimportant stuff and then beating ourselves up over the unimportant stuff.  I was so grateful for a mother who could tell the difference when I read Wendy Udy's article in the Ensign about her fifteen-year-old daughter, Adrienne, who had come home from a stake conference feeling horrible about herself.  The mission president, who had been the last speaker, had praised the daughter of the family in whose room he had slept the night before.  He had described the neatly arranged desk, the tidy shelves of books, dolls, and stuffed animals, the andy note cards on which she had written scriptures, and a card tied to her lamp on which she had written "I am a daughter of God."

In contrast, Adrienne's room was undeniably a mess: "Clothes spilled out of the closet lay everywhere.  Her school books were scattered on the floor.  Her desk was cluttered with containers of hair spray and perfume, candy wrappers, old seminary homework, and an empty piggy bank.  The bulletin board above her desk was loaded with pictures of friends and rock stars; it tilted at a rakish angle because of the baseball cap hanging from one corner of it."

Her mother could only agree:  Adrienne's room was a mess.  But Wendy didn't agree with Adrienne's conclusion.  Contrasting her room with the excruciatingly tidy room occupied by the mission president, Adrienne, in tears, wailed, "I'm no good....That girl the mission president was talking about [is] a perfect person with a perfect room...Nobody would ever talk about me that way.  I'm no good, and I know it...I'm sick of perfect people.  I'm never going to church again."

Tenderly, this mother held her daughter and reminded her that the piggy bank was empty because Adrienne had paid for lunch for a friend who had no money.  And one of the smiling girls on the bulletin board had tried to commit suicide, calling Adrienne after she had taken some pills.  Adrienne made her throw them up, insisting that she hold the phone by the sink so she could hear her.  Then she made the girl call her sister, then called her back and stayed on the phone with her until the sister arrived.  

Wendy reminded her daughter of that experience and what it revealed about her heart.

"Adrienne managed a smile.  'Maybe I'm not so bad then?'

" 'You're not bad at all,' [Wendy] said, hugging her. 'Sometimes daughter of God can have messy rooms, and he loves them anyway.'"

I love that story.  Adrienne's feelings were valid, but her conclusions were not.

As our children learn what they are feeling is significant and valid and how to evaluate if their feelings are accurate, they will become a better emotionally functioning adult.

parentables.howstuffworks.com

So go ahead and give them their emotional band-aids.  They are probably more significant than the ones they use for scrapes and bruises.

New Callings

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In our church, we have no paid ministry so everyone pitches in by being 'called to serve' in various assignments that make the church go around! :-)  The Bishop (in each ward) and his counselors, are responsible for making those assignments, with input and suggestion from the ward auxiliary presidents (Sunday school, young women, young men, primary, relief society).  [The Elders and the High Priests are generally under the stewardship of the stake presidency, with input, suggestions from the Bishop.]  This is generally the rule, different Bishops or Stake Presidents may run things a little differently.

The idea is that each bishop or auxiliary leader will seek the direction of the Spirit to organize their support staff.  People pray about who should fill the callings and based on how they are feeling, they submit names to serve to the bishopric, who then also pray about the names and various callings and either extend the callings, or ask the auxiliary president to submit different names. 

It becomes a little tricky as the bishop because maybe each auxiliary feels that Sister Terrific Teacher should be in their organization and each has prayed about it and feels like she should be serving with them.  However, the bishop is aware that Sister Terrific Teacher has certain health concerns (which are not public to the congregation) that need to be taken into consideration about her calling and that she cannot serve in all of those callings.  So they have the responsibility to seek guidance and direction under the Spirit to decide where she should be serving.

In these ways, it is not always the best or most knowledgeable person who gets called.  (A lot of times, it is not......)  But what we find in serving is that many times, there is growth all around.  The person in the calling grows, the people served by the calling grow and all get the opportunity to learn to work together to bring about the best good.

Also, sometimes we receive callings we do not want.  I cannot even tell you how many times that has happened to me!!  Sometimes I think a calling will be alright and when I get into it, I find that I really don't like it.  Other times, I think I am going to hate this.  But then I find that I really enjoy it.  Most times, whether I like the calling or not, I find that I learn many things while serving. 

Another issue, we are taught not to turn down callings to serve.  If we have serious concerns about our ability to fulfill a specific calling, then we can counsel with the bishop or member of the bishopric when the call is extended.  But generally, we should accept callings--in fact, President Eyring said so in general conference this weekend:

I have seen why the Lord can say that when sins are forgiven, He can remember them no more. By the power of the Atonement, people I know well and love became new, and the effects of sin were wiped away. My heart has been filled with love for the Savior and the loving Father who sent Him.

That great blessing has come by encouraging people I care for to go to the Savior for relief from pain, a relief only He can give. That is why I urge those I love to accept and to magnify every calling offered them in the Church. That choice is one of the great keys to family happiness.

Here are a few examples of callings where I have struggled:

zazzle.com

I was called to teach the Sunbeam class (3 year-olds) when I had a brand new baby (1 month old) and I had a three year-old in the class.  (My husband was the bishop--1st time--at the time, which meant that  every Sunday, I was getting five children ready for church, by myself and getting us all there.  Then after the three hour block, I was taking them all home, by myself and getting them fed, napped, or whatever.  And now they were asking me to take the only two hours I had the entire Sunday to spend with other people's toddlers.  I was NOT amused.)  

I did the best I could for a little while.  It was frustrating!  I hated it!  I complained, a lot!  When the counselor in the primary talked to me after church and asked me to please come to church early to set-up my classroom and then to stay late to clean it up after the children left, I lost it.  When the bishop got home from church that day, I let him have it!  It is probably not what he needed, but I was livid!  To be making the sacrifices I was making to come to church every Sunday and teach those toddlers while I was home all week with my own and doing it by myself almost all day every Sunday, and then to ask me to make greater sacrifice, I just thought that was too much and I was beyond my ability.  (It probably didn't help that I hadn't been sleeping because I had a new baby.) 

My sweet and dear husband (the bishop), calmly said, yes dear, I understand your frustration.  It probably isn't anything they aren't asking of the other teachers.  (Well, the other teachers don't have five children, including a new infant, and their husbands aren't the bishop!---that's what I was thinking....)  He suggested that I have my older children (who were 9 and 7 and 5 at the time), help me set up the classroom and help me clean it up when we were done.  I was still irritated, but I did what he suggested.  The children learned to help.  The baby got older.  By the time I had been serving them for 9 months, I had learned to really love those other little three year-olds.  The adjustments we had made at home by having the older ones help more really made a difference, especially as I received other callings that needed more attention than just Sunday. 

I learned how to delegate and give more assignments at home, even though I really, really struggled during my calling.

sunshine-sentiments.blogspot.com

Example #2:
I had been serving in Young Women (girls ages 12-18) for about four years in various callings.  I love serving with teenagers!  It is my very favorite place to be.  The reasons I love it so much could fill an entire post---so we'll talk about that later.  But I was released from young women, and called to teach the 11 year-olds in primary.  I cried and was not very happy.  I just figured  I would have to bide my time until I could be released from serving there and be called into another calling that I preferred. 

I went every Sunday, taught my lesson, and went home to prepare next Sunday's lesson.  The children in the class were rowdy, their hormones were raging and they all wanted out of primary so they were not very interested in the class or cooperative.  Most Sundays I felt more like I was babysitting than teaching.  But I did what I could.

About a year into that calling, I dropped my older boys off at a youth fireside at the young women president's home.  As I was driving away from the house, I realized that it was the first time in a year that I wasn't longing to be in the house with all the youth.  It was the first time that I didn't wish I was somewhere else, doing something else.  I recognized that I had not put my heart into my calling.  I had been just going through the motions for an entire year.  I repented on the drive home.  I apologized to my Heavenly Father and told Him that I would make my calling mine.  I would put my heart into it.

The following Sunday, I was released.  I was also called back into the Young Women's organization.  It was as if Heavenly Father was saying, I was just waiting for you to give me your heart.  I really do want you here, but I needed you to know that you would be willing to do something else if that is what I asked of you.

ldsvinyldecals.com

Example #3:
For the last little while, I have been serving in callings that I am ready to be finished with.  I am not quite sure why....well, I know why......but I really shouldn't put that out here on my blog.

Sometimes we just have the opportunity to serve where the Lord wants us, and that really is where He wants us, even if we don't want to be there.  Last year at this time, I was also feeling this way about the same calling.  Last year, I received inspiration about something I should do in the calling this year.  It took me a few months to realize that if I was receiving inspiration about service that was a year away, it probably meant I would still be in the calling a year later.  Hey...........Wait a minute!  Ya....I wasn't too happy about that either!

But the good news and the bad news is:  callings don't last forever.  The ones you love don't stay and the ones you hate will go away---of course, in the Lord's own due time.

General Conference!!

Just a quick note to tell you all how much I loved General Conference this weekend!!  It was so very amazing!  I haven't received answers to all of my questions (but there is still one sessions left), but I know I have received the information the Lord has wanted me to have.

I couldn't but help feel that the conference seemed to carry the theme:  Hold on, beef up your testimony, here comes the persecution.....hard times ahead.  I heard it in each speaker.  Now I do not think that means dooms day is approaching and I certainly didn't hear panic or fear in the voices speaking to us.  But to me, the message was clear:  strengthen your testimony, do not neglect your spiritual development, life is going to get harder.  Did you hear that too??  Or was it just my overactive imagination?

I was also really excited that General Priesthood meeting was broadcast beyond the satellites!  I am always anxious to read it and it is the first thing I turn to when the Conference Ensign arrives, mostly because I want to know what the prophets have told my boys so I know what to focus on for them as their mother.  But this time I can actually watch the presentation and hear their inflections!  Sweet!!

Also, our boy Spanky (lucky dog!), got to listen to all three conferences sessions yesterday in the conference center!!  He is suppose to get to see the afternoon session today too.  I am just a wee bit jealous!  Drew and I were able to attend one session at the tabernacle, before the conference center was built....but obviously it has been a while!

OK....I'm going to go now so I can watch that last session and get my little guy down for a nap!  Too-ta-loo!!

Family First Friday--Funeral, Samoan Style!

nydailynews.com

 

Over the last couple of days I have been attending our friend's funeral services.  (Yes, you heard me right---the last couple of days.)  He was/is Samoan.  The funeral went something like this:  Thursday 1-4 p.m viewing, 4-7 p.m program with open microphone, family wake 7 p.m.- whenever.  Friday morning 10 a.m. viewing, 11 a.m. family prayer, 11:15-12:30 p.m funeral service, 12:30-1:30 p.m graveside, 1:30 p.m.- whenever luau/BBQ/whatever you want to call it.

Drew and I were there from 5:30-7 p.m last night and today I was able to attend part of the viewing and the funeral.  During the open mic part last night, people just got up and shared stories about the deceased and what they loved about him.  There was a lot of laughing and many tears.  Some people got up and sang as families or small groups.  The casket was open and in front of the congregation, surrounded by his wife and children.  When it was over, his Samoan family took, pictures with him in the casket and they hugged him while they just sobbed and sobbed over the body.

advancedetiquette.com

Last night, they all wore black, but today, they all wore white.  I wasn't dressed appropriately either time.  Silly me, I went American style---nice brown pants, white shirt, colorful jacket last night, and black today.

What I really appreciated about the entire service was how 'healthy' their grieving appeared.  They took off TWO full days to visit with each other, share their emotions, and mourn the loss of their loved one.  It seemed so healthy and healing compared to us Americans who might take off two hours during the work week to 'pay our respects' to the deceased and their families.

The contrast between the two cultures was so stark!  I have been to dozens and dozens of American funerals, some conducted by ministers not of my faith, and even one Asian one.  But this Samoan one was by far the healthiest one I have ever seen.  People shared their emotions freely.  Some believed in an afterlife, some were not sure.  They shared it all with each other.  Grown men stood up and watered the floor with their tears as they spoke of their great love and brotherhood.  His sister expressed all of the reasons she would fight with her younger brother (the deceased) and she even shared some of his retorts.  His wife shared that they had good times and bad times.  Her words:  "It wasn't all peaches and cream.  But I have hope for you young couples who just got married.  You can do it!  You stick together and you make it work!"  Even his oldest son said, "I am the black sheep of the family," [now paraphrasing] my dad and I didn't get along.  We were always butting heads.  But I knew he loved me and I will miss him.

My dear sweet friend's husband was only 49!  When I hugged her on Thursday night (the first time I had spoken to her since her husband's passing), she told me that they had had a great weekend together and spent the morning (that he passed away) visiting with each other and the kids.  He passed away at home.  She said she wouldn't have changed a thing, except she wished that they had more time.

It was just a testimony to me that we all need to do what we can to leave our loved ones on happy notes.  We just do not know when the Lord will call us home or what the circumstances regarding our home coming will be.  How sweet it is that they had been spending some quality time with each other and their relationships were at peace.

Good-bye my dear friend....until we meet again!  Thank you for the things your culture has taught me about how to grieve!