This is where I am right now in so very many aspects of my
life. Every once in a while I think I
finally have a handle on things. Then I
am quickly reminded that I am nowhere near close. I think that is one of the reasons we have
had another baby. I was finally getting
to the place where my house was mostly clean, most of the time; the children
were all reading, almost all bike riding, mostly swimming. I could always shower. The laundry was caught up. I even would make the children clean their
rooms once in a while and scrub mold out of windows and off of walls. And on very few occasions, I was even out in
the garden and doing yard work. All of
that is out of the window and I am constantly struggling. Spencer reminds me that he asked me to wash
his socks two days ago because he doesn’t have any clean. The breakfast dishes don’t get done until I
am trying to cook dinner. Part of my
brain fog this week is that I am sick….but still plugging on. I do not take enough time to process my emotions
because I am so busy trying to run our household. At these moments I just think, why?? Why??
Why do I have to be back in this place??
Didn’t I do a good enough job the first time? Haven’t I done this enough? Why do I have to do it again? I thought this was over.
Well, in the very quiet moments, I know why. It is because only in this place do I really
turn my entire self to God. It is
because I really, truly cannot manage this on my own and I plead for help and I
plead for strength and I beg for release.
Because it is only when there is too much for me to manage, too much for
me to stuff, too much of everyone and everything that I really open my heart
and rely on the Atonement. Having a baby
puts me there. It is the sheer physical
exhaustion and the demand it creates when I just don’t have the energy to stuff
it all inside, put my head down and keep working.
The REAL question is WHY do I have to be in this place
BEFORE I turn it all over. WHY don’t I
do it sooner? I am so very arrogant
sometimes to feel so in control. I am a
CONTROL FREAK!! And now I need to go and
take care of some of those beautiful little people the Lord has sent to remind
me that I am not in control…..now or ever!
Good job digging out those feelings. Beautifully said. I hear you, and I'm in a similar boat.
ReplyDelete(I finally have speakers on my computer, and I really like your playlist!) :)