FFF #34 For Katie

I know you will read this eventually, so I will just post it here.....

Oh my gosh!  I miss you!!  I knew I would, I knew I was sad that you were moving, but good grief, I did not realize that I would mourn so deeply.

I have been eating my sadness since you left.  I realized it yesterday.  I knew I was having a difficult time.  Because it was all about the food, I was pretty sure I was sad, but I didn't have any idea why.  I told Drew.  He told me that it didn't have to be sadness.  It could be something else.  I felt invalidated.  He was not trying to invalidate me even though that is how I interpreted it.  He was wrong.  I am sad.

I woke up last night in the middle of the night (1 a.m), went to the bathroom and decided to step on the scale because it has been so long since I have.  I have gained five pounds.  I could see it in the mirror.  Great!  So I went back to bed and tried to fall asleep, but my mind kept turning and turning around my weight gain.  Not because I gained weight but because I knew that meant there was something emotionally going on.  As I lay there thinking and going over in my life what was happening, I recognized that I needed to look back to see when I started having trouble controlling my eating.  It has been a month--an entire month!  Right about the time you left.  I cried the day that I left you on the curb after we cleaned your kitchen for the last time.  But not since.  Then the sadness hit me and I just started sobbing.

I climbed out of bed and went downstairs so I could do that whole big UGLY cry (thanks for that term Linzy!!--I miss you too!) --and loud cry---without waking up Drew.  I cried and wrote down my feelings for another hour or so.  Then I wrapped up in a quilt and went to sleep on the couch.  I woke up when Speedy started moving things around in the laundry room to get ready for seminary.

As I thought about what it was I missed about you so much, I realized it was the deep sisterhood and love we shared.  You nurture me, emotionally.  We connect through our faith and our doctrinal experiences and understanding.  Even though we didn't spend a lot of time together, the time we did spend together was such nurturing time--whether I was venting and you were laughing at my crazy thoughts and my attitude, or whether you needed to unload something and get counsel.  I loved serving as your counselor by the way.  I enjoyed our meetings each week as we spent time trying to organize primary.  I loved going to exercise class, because you were there to talk to and the same thing about play group.  Since you are gone, there is no exercise class and no play group.

Today is quilting class, and I will think about you all day---not just because I am sad about you moving, but because quilting class is another of those things that we shared--another space where our lives touched.  Thank you for coming here!  Thank you for living in my ward!  Have a great time in New Mexico!!  I hope it is good for you and your family!  (And I LOVE your hair in your new profile photo!  Love it!)

But you know how some people come into your life for a moment, some for a season, and some for a life time?  We may not be in the same physical space, but I hope we can remain friends for a lifetime!  Now that I know  how sad I am that you have left, I hope I will allow myself to cry for at least a week--maybe until at least Thanksgiving.  And then I can think about all of the things I am grateful for instead of being sad that they couldn't last forever!

So now that you are reading this, you can do the UGLY cry too!  And then we can thank our Father in Heaven for our friendship and for our time together, even though we would both have wanted more!  When I am really sad, I am going to think about our temple trips and the fun we had on them!  And remind myself what your Brad told me--that if we got any more tickets on our trips, he was going to have to pull the plug on our outings!  Then I will laugh!  Hug your babies for me!!

I love you Katie!  And miss you even more!!