Family First Friday #3

It has been a crazy week at our house!!  Tuesday we took little Spike, Spike to the doctor with an acute asthma attack.  We didn't end up going to the hospital, but we had lots and lots of medications and a follow up visit the next day.  The best part of the drama is that one of the medications they want him to take makes him puke, because the taste is just that nasty.  After I tasted it, I understood why he vomits after taking it.  So we had to figure out how to get him to take it and not vomit.  Can you say chocolate ice cream, anyone?  Of course, because he is allergic to milk, it had to be dairy free and cost an arm and a leg at the local hippy-mart, but we found some tasty stuff.  It worked for two doses and now he won't even eat the ice cream, even though he knows it is 'yummy'.  I guess he has associated his yummy with that nasty medicine.  Maybe he will never eat chocolate ice cream again....?  But I am really tired of washing clothing with vomit all over them, his and mine, and cleaning up the carpets, floors, chairs, etc....

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He is still struggling to breathe, but it is better.  I am still not sure what his triggers were, though we did rearrange the furniture in the family room the day before his attack.  Maybe that was it.

Speedy came home and shared a new found insight.  He said, "Mom, I have decided it is really great that we come from such a big family where we all like each other and enjoy spending time together.  I have met so many people in the last week who come from smaller families and cannot stand their parents or their siblings.  They just don't ever want to be around them.  It is so sad."

I had to agree with him.  I love hanging out with my family!!  We have a blast and I really like my people!!  But I am pretty sure that just because we come from a large family doesn't necessarily correlate with liking each other.  We have put a lot of time and effort into our relationships.  (And for those of my children who periodically have an attitude about one or more of those relationships, I plan ample opportunities for them to practice improving those relationships!  One of the boys, I actually told that if he didn't learn to get along with a particular brother, he would have mission companions just like him, and he did........but their relationship is better now.)

An example of how we periodically manage sibling relationships

They were actually happy in this photo and wanting to help one another.

Yesterday I spent most of the day helping little, little people.  A family in our area had their third baby yesterday so her two little ones were at my house for the labor and delivery.  Wow!!  I forgot how fast a house can be destroyed by a few little ones.  While you are cleaning up one mess, they are making a new one.  Of course, Spike, Spike did not think it was very cool that there were other little people here taking up my time.  For about 1/2 an hour, I added two more littles to the group...that was crazy!!  Anyway, all went well and everyone ended up being OK and having their needs met, and they were picked up before the missionaries arrived for dinner.

Here is a thought for stress management:  When you are feeling rather stretched to your limit, take a few minutes to free write on a piece of paper.  Just write anything that comes to your mind, or any feelings that you have.  Don't worry about trying to make sense of them or to write something coherent.  Just write and write and write until you feel like you have put it all out there on the paper.  As you look it over, you will probably realize some new things about yourself, maybe some feelings you are having that you didn't realize were there.

Make some choices.  Chances are there are a few things on the paper you can do something about.  Make a plan to manage those things or a time to make a plan (for instance, on Monday, I will figure out how to manage [blank]).  Chances are, there are also things on the list that you have no control over.  Turn those over to God or give the responsibility for them back to the person who they belong to (i.e. if you are worried about your grown daughter's health and she has to be the one to make the doctor's appointment, stop stressing about it and let her do it.  If she chooses not to, that is her choice and her responsibility.  Let go of that stress.  You don't need to carry it around.)

Take a deep breath and change the things you have some control over, and let the rest go.  Easier said than done, but with practice, you'll get better at it.  Just looking at this post, I can help my children to have better relationships with one another, but I cannot always control whether or not my baby is going to have an asthma attack (unless it happened because I rearranged the furniture....).  But I can control my response to his asthma attack and if I am going to follow the prescribed regimen for his condition.

I had better go now.  There are a few things on today's list, that I do have control over and need to tend to :-)  Have a great week!!  And remember, family first, always!

Little People Language

Do your little people have their own language for certain things?  Mine does.  Spike, Spike cannot say everyone's names so he has made up names for the ones he cannot say.  He calls Slim, Lee.  Spanky is Nice.  Scuff is D.  Sport is Buddy.  He can say Speedy's and Sun's names.  Shorty is Guys.  And for a while, Smilely was Bobo, but now he can say his name too.

The funnier things he has names for:

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Outside or Backyardigans:  "RRRRRRah RRRRRRah" (rolling your R's)
and his latest:

Run to the Monkeys, 

means, I have to go to the bathroom (because we have a monkey shower curtain in his bathroom).

Oh the things little people come up with!

Does this sound familiar??

This morning after I changed Spike, Spike's diaper, I slipped on his pants and we went to his room to find a shirt.  He picked one, but refused to put it on.  I let it go figuring I would try again in a minute.  About 1/2 an hour later, I noticed my little man running around the house without his shirt.  I gave him three more options.  He chose the same shirt, but again refused to put it on.  I told him he needed to wear one and that it was time to get it on.  (At our house, we all wear shirts and pants/shorts/skits---something on the top and something on the bottom---just the rules of the house.)

Spike, Spike was not willing to cooperate.  I finally just put him in it.  He was fighting, screaming, and flailing the entire process---all 30 seconds of it.  Then because he cannot yet remove his shirt by himself, he pulled and yelled, "NOT THIS!!" complete with big, alligator tears.  It dawned on me that he probably wanted to wear his 'Uperman" shirt, but it needed to be washed.  (We had that conversation earlier in the day.)  I asked if he wanted his Superman shirt.  "Yes!!! Uperman irt!!"

"Well, it needs to be washed.  We will wash it and dry it and then you can wear it.  But until it is ready, you need to wear the monkey shirt."

(I had already let him wear his Uperman shirt three days without washing it and one night was a spaghetti dinner.  It really needed to be washed!)  "Do you want to help me put it in the washing machine?"

Another light bulb---his breakfast was sitting on the table untouched.  I had placed it there two hours ago.

"Are you hungry?  Do you need some food?"

"Ya! Ooood!"

I warmed up his breakfast, got his rice milk, and we sat on the step with his oood.

He was scowling.  "Just one bite," I coaxed.  "Just one."

He grimaced and reluctantly took the fork with one tiny piece of French toast attached.

"Put it in your mouth."

He took a little nibble off of the piece of toast.  A look of surprise crossed his face, "Hmmm that's good."

"Yep.........eat it."

Then he did.

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It just sounds so much like most of us.  We have a specific idea of what we want or how something should go.  Then it doesn't turn out that way and we are frustrated or irritated at the process.  We fight.  We kick.  We scream.  (Well, maybe you don't, but I do....)  We want it our way and we will just keep doing things our way until we get what we want!!! 

If our needs aren't being met our attitude is worse---any needs, physical, emotional, spiritual, recreational, psychological, etc....  But this is a key point.  When we understand which of our needs is not being met and why THIS particular issue is so important to us (by dissecting the emotions we are feeling and really thinking about why we want it a certain way) we usually can come to realize new information about ourselves, which will either help us meet our unmet need or recognize why we are functioning a certain way.  Once our needs are met, the issue usually isn't that big of a deal, or we have more strength and energy to manage the  drama we are creating.  (Once Spike, Spike's blood sugar went up, he didn't really care that he needed to wear a shirt.  The issue was not about wearing a shirt, it was about how hungry he was.  He did want to wear a specific shirt, which once it was out of the dryer, we put on him.  Does that make sense?)

Sometimes things we are holding fast to, or things we think we cannot do without are really more about unmet needs we may not be aware of.  Take care of those needs (easier said than done, because sometimes you really have to analyze yourself to figure them out) and the drama can just go away.

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Next time you are working with a really frustrated person, child or otherwise, ask them why they are frustrated and listen for clues they share with you about what the particular situation means to them.  How are they viewing the situation/interaction/comment?  What label are they attaching to the behavior?  Find the underlying emotion (it is never anger, anger is always secondary...there is another emotion under that).  Label the emotion and ask them if [this] is what they are feeling.  Empathize with their emotion, "That must be really difficult," or "How frustrating," or "I am so sorry."

You don't have to give any advice or fix it for them.  Sometimes they just need to know someone else cares how they feel.  If they are your baby, pick them up and love them.  Fix what you can and let the rest go.  Help them make the world right.  Take the time.  They deserve it.

It's what Heavenly Father does with His time.  Now if someone would just listen to me....Oh Wait!  He does!

First Day of School

My little ones were so very excited for school to start!!!  Wow!  They could not wait!!  They were up by 6:30, dressed and ready by 7:00 and asking if they could leave by 7:45.  (School doesn't start until 8:30.....)

My big ones had their first day of seminary!!!

Sun picked up her new glasses.

Spike, Spike just enjoyed the time with Mom.

And Spanky is enjoying his last week before he leaves for college.

I cannot believe we are here!!!  Welcome Fall!

Mothering Moment Monday--Spike, Spike

Saturday, I was cooking dinner in the kitchen, after a sleep-less night with Spike, Spike and a difficult day.  He came into the kitchen and looked up at me.  When our eyes met, he made the sign for 'feed me,' which is putting your fingers and your thumb in a pinching motion (using your entire hand) and poking it into an open mouth a couple of times.

I said, "Are you hungry?"

He nodded, and made the motion again.  I gave him a cracker and he went off.  He came back again and did the same thing and I gave him another cracker.  He came back a third time and I was just about to give him another cracker but I realized that dinner was finished.

"Do you want some rice?" I asked.

"Rice!!!!"

"And some bread?"

"Bread!!!"

So I fed him dinner.

After the first hand motion and cracker exchange, I just started sobbing.  There was no drama, no screaming, no trying to figure out what he wanted, just communication and the exchange.  I realized how difficult he has been for me and the stress and struggle we have had.  The last two years have been exhausting.

Spike, Spike is very verbal and expects you to understand what he is saying.  He gets super frustrated if you don't get it.  He is also very emotionally sensitive.  He can tell, by just observing my countenance, if I am unhappy with him, and then his feelings are hurt.  He is a very different emotional child than the others I have had.  I have to remind myself that I was told, through the Spirit, that he was different.  I had many interpretations of what 'different' meant.  They were all wrong.  I am still not sure I can tell you what it is.....but different is the right word.  Nothing that is in my 'motherhood bag of tricks,' (which is pretty full after eight other children)  works with him.

Then yesterday for nursery, I took him into the room and told him it was time for me to leave.  He said, "no mommy!"  Then I said I would come back for singing time and then pick him up when nursery was over.  He said, "OK, Mom, have a nice day.....bye."  And I walked away.  Another miracle.  Most Sundays I have stayed with him for at least half of the nursery time.  Yesterday, I just walked away.  And he was fine.  FINE!  No crying, no screaming, none.

It never ceases to amaze me.  Each and every child is so different from one another.  I had forgotten that they aren't all like Spike, Spike.  I watched a friend's little one who is a few months younger than Spike, Spike.  He just wandered around the house and played.  None of siblings were here.  He was happy and content, not demanding.  Oh ya....they aren't all like mine!!  And the Lord is in charge of which one's He sends and when.

I need to learn to trust Him.  He will not send me more than I can handle.  Just because He sent me a hard one, doesn't mean He will do that next time.