Does grief have a time limit?

When I was a young, young woman of 18, my parents pulled all of us (six children) together in a family meeting and told us that mother was leaving and they would be getting a divorce.  I don't remember much from the days that followed.  It is like looking back at a broken jigsaw puzzle and only being able to see some of the pieces.

I can remember lots of crying---from me and my sisters, anger from both parents and probably more than one of the children.  I remember days and days of crying, thinking that I would be sad about this forever and being afraid I would cry forever.  Knowing that I had important stuff to do----like apply for college, graduate from high school, leave for college----I believed that if I was too sad for too long, I would miss opportunities.

It was the first time in my life that I remember choosing not to feel so I could choose to function instead.  I just closed the door on feelings so I could manage my life and the tasks that needed to be accomplished.

futuretimeline.net

The mind is a powerful tool and I love learning about it.  I had no idea at the time, that choosing not to feel sadness was only possible for me by choosing not to have any feelings.  I couldn't seem to pick and choose which feelings I had, but I could choose to have them or not to have them.

Neither did I know that my reaction was not unique.  All people learn that life is sometimes painful and many choose to just stop feeling.  I think it is interesting that each of us can react differently to the same situation.  Some go into depression.  Some exhibit anger.  Some cry and mourn.  Some spend money.  Some turn to substances, alcohol, tobacco, drugs.  Some are promiscuous.  The range of behavior and emotion for sadness and loss covers an entire spectrum.

So my question has been---when is enough, enough?  When is a sad heart healed?  To be honest, I think the answer is probably different for each person and probably for each instance.  I like things stream-lined and efficient, which is why I think I chose not to feel.  Making a conscious choice has a time-limit, an end.  Allowing it to continue on its own course would interfere in my efficiency.  That I could not have.  I didn't have the time.  So I made a conscious decision---I am done being sad, now.  Of course, I wasn't............but if I chose not to feel, then I did not have to acknowledge my deep, deep sadness and hurt.

depositphotos.com

The truth, however, is that the pain is still in there.  I walled off my heart so no one could get in there and hurt me again.  Those issues came out in my marriage where my husband kept saying, "You treat me like everyone else."  How absurd, I thought.  I am not having physical intimacy with everyone else!  But  that wasn't what he meant.  The truth was I did treat him like everyone else.  There was a wall there and no one got through, husband or not.  In that regard I did treat him like everyone else.

I finally had to admit that I trusted no one----even my husband.  The divorce had taught me, although unconsciously, that I could not rely on people, especially those close to me who knew me best.  They have the greatest ability to hurt me and they are the most likely to do it.  Therefore, I could not trust them with those things which were so uniquely personal and sacred in my heart-----those ideas, philosophies, beliefs that make me who I am.

THAT was a lovely conversation to have with my dear husband!  I know I married you and committed my love and loyalty to you for eternity, but I'm sorry---there are just some parts of me I will not share.  Have my body, but not my heart.  Thankfully for me, the Lord gave me a very special husband who would never knowingly do something to hurt me or react out of spite. That is very significant in my ability to learn and recognize my emotions and behaviors and learn to trust another in my sharing of them.  But it doesn't change the fact that I have to work really hard to do it and open myself up emotionally when I am scared to do so.

dvo.com

Thankfully, I have the gospel of Jesus Christ in my life, which teaches me how to heal my heart and how to look into my emotions and behavior and how to change my natural woman desires to become a better and more noble person.  It is a lot of work.  But it is so worth it!  The Savior can heal your heart too!  The process begins by simply learning about Him and what He did for you.

delparson.com

Start here by watching this short video.  Notice the way the Savior treats those little children and know that regardless of your sins, He feels that way about you.  He loves you and desires you to come to Him.  Trust Him.  He will not hurt you.  He will heal you.  Then read this from the mouth of His current prophet.

If you still need more, go here to read about the doctrine of His Atonement.

Let Him heal you.

Bondage--Spiritual, Physical, Mental, and Emotional

lds.org

It has interested me recently that when the angel appeared to Alma the Younger (the first time, Mosiah 27:16) when he was rebelling against his father and the church that the angel instructed him to remember the captivity of his fathers in the land of Helam.  I asked myself this question, "Why were those his instructions?  What was it about this part of his history that would be instructive to Alma the Younger or convince him of the error of his ways?"

In Alma 5, we read where Alma the Younger explains the importance of changing our hearts and evaluating our behaviors in light of the teachings of the gospel.  He uses the example of 'the captivity of his fathers in the land of Helam' to teach this doctrine and at the end, he testifies to their truths because of his own effort and spiritual experience.  Then in Alma 36, he shares his personal account of the experience with the angel and his change of heart with his son, Helaman.

I am sure there is more that I can learn from studying these three chapters of the Book of Mormon together than I am going to expound here on the blog.  But as I was pondering about the physical bondage the people of the land of Helam were in because of their original disobedience to the laws of God and particular instructions from the prophet Abinadi (understanding of course that these were the people who were actually repenting from the ways of their wicked King Noah and trying to do what they were instructed to do.....yet the scriptures say, "Nevertheless the Lord seeth fit to chasten his people; yea, he trieth their patience and their faith..." Their original story here, Mosiah 23.), I wondered if there was a parallel to spiritual bondage due to sin.....?

Of course, Elder Cook expressed those very thoughts in General Conference at the beginning of this month:

God intended that men and women would be free to make choices between good and evil. When evil choices become the dominant characteristic of a culture or nation, there are serious consequences both in this life and the life to come. People can become enslaved or put themselves in bondage not only to harmful, addictive substances but also to harmful, addictive philosophies that detract from righteous living.

Turning from the worship of the true and living God and worshipping false gods like wealth and fame and engaging in immoral and unrighteous conduct result in bondage in all its insidious manifestations. These include spiritual, physical, and intellectual bondage and sometimes bring destruction. Jeremiah and Lehi also taught that those who are righteous must help the Lord establish His Church and kingdom and gather scattered Israel.⁸

These messages have echoed and been reinforced across the centuries in all dispensations. They are at the heart of the Restoration of the gospel of Jesus Christ in this, the final dispensation.

Then, I pondered about the captivity and bondage of my fathers (meaning negative behaviors that have been passed down through the generations).  For my family, tobacco use, divorce, blaming others, alcoholism, child sexual abuse, immorality, negative thinking, and depression, to name a few.  All of these things are spiritual and physical things which put succeeding generations in bondage and keep them from feelings God's love and sharing that love with others.  (Thought question:  What behaviors from your fathers are inhibiting your ability to feel His love in your life or sharing that love with your children and others?)

In our lives, we do not have to remain bound by the chains of our fathers or to pass them onto our children.  But our freedom, comes with a price----obedience to the laws of God.

As we begin to exercise obedience to the laws of God, through our faith, our loving Father in Heaven will bless us with knowledge and testimony.  That testimony, coupled with our continued obedience, over time, and through our trials will continue to sustain us until our hearts are converted, and we can share His love and knowledge with succeeding generations who never have to begin the process with the chains which bound their fathers.  (For scriptural examples over time, read the chapters linked above about Alma the Elder and Alma the Younger through Alma the Younger's comments to his sons.)

Comments from Elder Cook's address:

We learn valuable lessons from this tragic period. (Scattering of the Twelve Tribes of Israel.)  We should do everything within our power to avoid the sin and rebellion that lead to bondage.¹³ We also recognize that righteous living is a prerequisite for assisting the Lord in gathering His elect and in the literal gathering of Israel.

Bondage, subjugation, addictions, and servitude come in many forms. They can be literal physical enslavement but can also be loss or impairment of moral agency that can impede our progress. Jeremiah is clear that unrighteousness and rebellion were the main reasons for the destruction of Jerusalem and captivity in Babylon.¹⁴

Other kinds of bondage are equally destructive of the human spirit. Moral agency can be abused in many ways.¹⁵

  

Each new generation must choose for themselves what they believe and if they will continue their spiritual legacy of obedience.  

One of the ideas Wallerstein espouses in her book The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce, is that children who come from intact families (not divorced) and have a history of intact families (parents are not divorced, grandparents are not divorced, etc...) benefit from a social, emotional, financial pooling of resources over generations.  That is, the more succeeding generations of intact families the more resources then are available for the children in the present family.  They benefit from an accumulation of resources over the generations.  The same idea is true in our spiritual growth and development.

Each succeeding generation who chooses to be obedient and exercise faith, over time and trial, the greater spiritual resources and teaching which are available to the current generation of growing children.  Each generation builds on the previous generations work and effort, thus the current generation begins ahead in their spiritual development of the previous generations. 

My parents and grandparents were just beginning to learn the spiritual doctrines which would set my generation free from the spiritual bondage of our fathers.  My mother's family joined the church when she was five.  My father joined the church when he met and married my mother and his mother joined shortly after that.  Some, a few of my aunts, chose obedience.  Because of those choices, their children and grandchildren who have also chosen obedience, enjoy a deeper, richer spiritual life.  My parents did not chose consistent obedience over time.  As such, their children are left to wander spiritually.  No loving parent wants their children to wander spiritually.

I have some other thoughts on the subject, but I'm going to save them for another blog post....maybe 
tomorrow :-)

Reorganizing & Repairing

Just a quick note:  Today I am devoting my post to reorganizing!  My little Sun has become quite behind in our homeschooling curriculum, mostly, I believe because I have been too busy to sit down with her and verify that she is indeed completing the assignments.  I reworked the calendar and verified the end of the semester deadlines.  She is going to really have to work but I think we can still pull it off.  I had planned in several days where we didn't have to work, and it is good that I did, because we took off those days in October and now we get to work on the days I planned to play.  But that is a good lesson of life.  Sometimes you just have to reevaluate and reorganize what the plan was since you were flexible enough to let your agenda go.  Sometimes my Type A personality still surfaces with a vengeance.  Personally, I think that is why the Lord has sent so many children to my home----to remind me that, no, I cannot do it all, even if I try to.

mine kinda look like this:  ebay.com

Today I also spent time repairing two of my dining room chairs which have lost a leg.  They are great chairs!!  The best ones we have ever had and I was so very sad to see that they had lost a leg!  One of the counselors in the bishopric stopped by the other day and I told him my plan to repair them.  He said my idea wouldn't work and told me what I should use instead.  (Which was awesome, by the way!!---I thought we should us some wood putty.  He said, nope, use epoxy glue, the slow setting stuff so you have time to make those screws do what you want them to.)  I followed his counsel and now my chairs are fixed!  Boo yah!

petervaldivia.com

Then, I glued part of my stovetop that had broken off---Another gluing project with super epoxy glue (quick setting kind).  Hip hip hooray.

The rest of the day is reserved for putting more pads on the bottoms of our 12 dining room chairs so they quit scratching my floor!

Sometimes you just have to take time out of the normal routine to readjust! 

Halloween Party

365thingssouthshore.com

Last night was our Halloween party.  I'd show you photos, but I didn't take any.  It was the craziest day.  Sun wanted to wear a poodle skirt (popular 50's dress, see below), but I was going to have to make one.  They take a bazillion yards of material......not really a bazillion, but like five......and I was having to dig through the material closet to find enough.  I cut the material wrong, but was working that out.  I spent an hour visiting teaching, and our Smiley has been sick the last couple of days and Spike, Spike is having asthma issues.

realtown.com

In the middle of finishing cutting out the material, it was lunch time and Smiley's medication had worn off, everyone was whiny (the ones at home, and I kept stepping in sticky stuff on the floor (I HATE that!).  My friend called to find out about the Halloween party.  I mentioned that I was fighting with a poodle skirt and trying to make it happen.  She told me she had four poodle skirts, even one that would fit Sun and she would bring them over later for her to try on.  Such a huge blessing!

louisdietvorst.wordpress.com

 

(Isn't this the greatest photo?)

After relaxing about that and just taking care of my people, another girl friend stopped by and we visited for a couple of hours.  It was a much needed break after trying for three days to take care of my responsibilities and sew a Halloween costume or two.  I quit stressing about trying to make my agenda happen and just let the rest of the day unfold.  It was so much more relaxing and enjoyable and my people felt much more loved and fluffed, although Smiley was still disappointed that I would not let him attend the Halloween party because of his illness.  He missed two days of school and was having ibuprofen every 7 hours!  No Halloween party for you!  (On the bright side, he is not up this morning at five telling me how horrible he feels and asking for more medication......so maybe he is finally feeling better :-)

Have a great weekend!

Gems of Wisdom

Periodically, I go back through  my old journals to read what I had written.  I use my journals as my notepad during my scripture study time.  I just keep it with me while I read, pen in hand or stuffed into my pony tail.  When I have a thought, doctrinal or otherwise, I write it down.  Sometimes I just have a list of things I need to do that day, other times I have instructions or thoughts relating to what I am reading.

usapad.com

Today, I found this:
Mosiah Ch. 19
Contentions among ourselves causes strife.  Because of fighting among themselves, they were unavailable to protect themselves from their true enemy.
     How many times do we fail to protect ourselves and our family from the true enemy (Lucifer) because we are too busy worrying or contending over much more insignificant details?  Unity is important because we keep the proper focus and don't allow Lucifer to interfere in our relationships.  Allowing others to grow in their abilities and not being irritated by their short comings or learning places is significant to maintaining unity and keeping Lucifer at bay.

Sometimes I read stuff, like the above quote, and think, how did I know enough to write that down, but not enough to remember it always?

Me?  Nuh-uh!!

Sunday I pretty much had a huge fight with my two-year-old over church clothes.  It was really ugly and my frustration scared Smiley and Shorty.  Spike, Spike went to church in his pajamas and barefooted.  I brought his clothes along and told him that if he wanted to go to nursery class, he had to get dressed.  He wanted to go to nursery class, but not enough to get dressed.  After about 30 minutes in primary with me, I took him to see his father and explained the drama of the morning, in the bishop's office.  With Drew's help, we stuffed our little guy into his church clothes, which he was pretty upset about.  But his father was kind and gave him several options.  He finally decided he wanted to sit with Mommy and attend nursery class (and he didn't care so much about his clothes).  Then off to nursery class he went and all was forgotten.  

Even after eight children, I am still surprised that the Lord knows which one to send to me to push my buttons enough for me to realize that I still do not always have myself under control or enough patience.  Wouldn't you think that after eight I would know what I was doing or at least have mastered my emotions in that department?  I guess not.

Maybe I should read my journals more often.......?