Crashed---Hard!

dreamstime.com

Sorry I have been AWOL lately.  My computer has been having a love affair with the screen above.  Finally, on Thursday, it just bit the dust.  No amount of coaxing would bring it back.  The good news is.....(my husband and I have this little joke where in any given situation, we express the good with the bad :-)  So the good news is that I had a back-up drive on my computer.  The bad news is that I hadn't backed it up since June.  Yep!  We lost a lot of stuff!  Hopefully, I can recreate most of it.  The good news is that my computer is now up and running.  The bad news is that it cost me a few hundred dollars.  But I really should not complain!  Our computer guy came Friday morning and had us back, up and running on Monday morning, with a few improvements!  Yipee!!!

So to recap what has happened to us during our absence, last week we had a friend pass away.  He was only 49!  (That is only a few years older than me....)  He left a wife and four (?) children.  His funeral is tomorrow.  I have been thinking about them a lot and wondering how I would handle such a trial.  I have no profound thoughts, except that I read this article in this month's Ensign and felt peace.

Today, I have had some other experiences that I have been pondering.  The first was a conversation I had with one of the mothers at our elementary school.  I was there for an award assembly where Smiley received the Scholar Award.  She asked me if I had a son who graduated in 2010.  (I had to really think...did I?  I have so many, that I wasn't really sure which one it would be and which graduation she was speaking of.....?)  Then she said, Slim.  Oh ya!  He did graduate in 2010.  She asked me what he was doing and what his plans were.  I shared that he was attending Southern Virginia University and would graduate in April and was taking the LSAT this week to start his law school applications.  (I didn't bother to mention his service as a missionary in Brazil.)  "Oh Wow!  Great!" was her response.  Being polite, I asked her what her son was doing.  "He wants to be an architect so he is working for this company in the Bay Area.  He hasn't gone to college yet.  So we will see."

Drew graduated in 1993

At this point, I was feeling a little sheepish.  I was not intending to brag about Slim....that is just what is happening in his life and what his plans are.  I was worried that maybe I had gone overboard in talking about Slim.  But all of a sudden, I was hit with the realization that there are plenty of other young men, about Slim's age, who are doing all sorts of things with their lives that don't include getting a formal education or even thinking that direction at all.  I just never really thought about it.

I think there are plenty of things (noble and righteous things) to do with your life that do not include a college education.  I grew up in a home where my father was not a college graduate.  Because of that, it was SUPER important to me, to have one.  (That and my father was always asking me what I wanted to be when I grew up.)  I worked hard to get my degree.  By the time we got married and started our family, I had only finished one and a half years of college.  By the time I received my degree, we had four children.  I finished my degree by taking six credit hours a semester---for five years.  But I finally did it!!

The second interaction I had today was a phone call.  The principal from our high school called to talk about Speedy.  In his English class, he has been opting out of many of the assignments because of morally objectionable material.  The teacher has said that she will support him in not reading or viewing material he finds objectionable.  But after he has refused to watch the third video and has not read two books, in the space of seven weeks, she was concerned.  I was not expecting my conversation with the principal to go very well.

But the good news, is that it did.  I explained that we are extremely selective about the materials we let our children view and read.  We can talk all about the base things that happen in our society without needing to read the graphic details or view it in all its debauchery.  Her main question was, "How are you going to handle this in college classes?"  I immediately went to the fact that the colleges we attend don't have that problem either.  But she was talking about the junior college here where we live.  It took me a minute to realize that is what she was talking about.

Slim 2009

The funny part was that I had just jumped from high school classes to university classes and she was talking about junior college classes.  (I hadn't even considered junior college classes as college classes.....  Ya' I think maybe I am kind of a snob!)  When I realized what she was talking about, that was easy enough.  I have had almost four children graduate from our junior college and viewing and/or reading objectionable material in their English classes has not been a problem.  We only have issues in the high school.

Spanky 2010

I am expecting a phone call from the teacher.  So we will see how that goes.  But I think it is important that we help others to understand that we can still teach about, talk about, and find solutions to any of the major moral problems of our society without exposing our children to them, especially in an educational setting.  I mean really, if I wanted them  to experience the vices in our society I would put them on the streets, not send them to school.  What happened to studying Shakespeare??  There are plenty of moral issues in the classics to discuss and consider, without personally experiencing them.

Scuff 2012

I had more to say on the issue, but my baby's blood sugar is low and he is sitting on my lap as I type, demanding that I feed him.  So I guess I had better go and help him out :-)  Remember to stand for truth and righteousness, even when everyone else around you is not.

Way to go Speedy!!

Family Proclamation photos 2013

TWO posts in ONE day.......Scary!  I am participating the Family Proclamation Celebration put on this year by Chocolate on my Cranium, A Well-Behaved Mormon Woman, and Mormon Mommy Blogs!!

Here are my photos this year:

Here is last year's Family Proclamation Photos 2012

Carin...Growing up

We have a super crazy week this week!  Yesterday we cleaned the church.  Today we have a funeral.  Wednesday I have my monthly committee meeting.  Friday, a baby shower.  Saturday, Sport is starting his Eagle Scout Project.  Sunday is our Primary Program (which is where the children share thoughts and music about the doctrines they have learned so far this year, it is always a huge treat---kids 3-11!), and I am the chorister.  Those are just the extra things we have going on this week...that doesn't include the normal stuff.  I'm not sure how much blogging I will get done. 

But, at least I can post the photos I promised.  So without further adieu...

Here they are:

Well, there you go, from about 12 months to 19. 

Family First Friday #5

wakemedvoices.org

Sometimes, the most important thing you can do to take care of your family first, is to take care of the caretaker (ie person home with the kiddos).  I am going to walk you through the emotional events of this week for me personally.

Tuesday I had another Miss P incident (reference here and here, if you missed it).  Being in a decent place emotionally with the Miss P situation, I sent a prompt email.  Basically, I'm tired of this.  Please stop!  Not rude, not biting, simply 'This is the behavior.  It bothers me.  Please stop.'  Send.  I didn't even tell Drew I sent it, until later that evening. 

Wednesday, I posted about my family of origin (post here), where I obviously had some unresolved issues.  After I wrote the post, I spoke with my sister for about two hours---just normal sister talk about life, kids, school, etc...  By the time evening rolled around, I wondered if I was stuffing feelings.  By morning, I knew I was.

I am always amazed at how efficiently and unconsciously I can do it.  I have noticed with new emotions and feelings, I have grown enough that I don't stuff it.  If someone says something today or at church and my feelings are hurt, I can cry and be upset in the moment.  But if the feelings are deep and old---I have usually stuffed them before I even knew they were there.  It's scary that it happens so quickly and without any thought.

I talked through my feelings with Drew in the morning.  I realized that I had never emotionally walked through the door of leaving my little sisters behind when I left for college.  My family was falling apart.  The ship was sinking and I couldn't save them.  I couldn't take them with me.  The pain was so deep and so intense that I had to block it out so that I could keep functioning and survive.  All of these years and I had never chosen to open the door to those emotions, mostly because I wasn't even aware they were there.  But here they are, still waiting for me after all these years.

I needed a good cry---as my friend Linzy says, the ugly cry---the one where your face is all puffy and red, and your nose is clogged from all the crying.  You know the look.

this is close....

My sweetheart gave me a great perspective.  He said, "Carin, why did you leave?"  I came up with many answers---to save myself, to go to college, so I didn't sink with the ship....  "No," he says, "you left to go and prepare the lifeboat.  If you had gone down with the ship," to continue the analogy, "everyone would be lost.  By leaving and clinging to the gospel and building your family within its framework, you show them where to go to find peace, happiness, and healing.  You are their light in the lifeboat saying, 'Swim this way! Over here!'  If you didn't do that, how would they know where to go?!"

artistsinconrwall.com

His words brought peace to my soul.  I have always known I made the right decision.  I did not have guilt because of my choice.  But I had also never acknowledged the pain and heartache of not being able to rescue any of my sibling, but particularly my sisters because they were so young and innocent.  Wednesday morning I was walking through the pain.

Wednesday morning was also when I received Miss P's response to my email, simply, "I'm sorry. That wasn't my intent.  I didn't mean to offend on of your children."

Because I was already in such an emotionally vulnerable place, I was able to respond to her email immediately and from the heart.  I just said, "My feelings have been really hurt.  I know things have been hard for you too.  I am tired of this.  Can't we be friends?"  And I let it go.  I do not know if she will respond or what she will say.  And you know what?  It really doesn't matter to me.

Here's the crazy part.  I believe that if I had not been in such an emotional state, I wouldn't have responded so honestly and openly to the pain and heartache which had been happening in the present.

Today I have been nurturing my soul.  I threw my diet out the window (not binge eating, just not strictly following the plan).  I have spent hours this week writing, reading, and visiting with people I love.  The rain is falling and I'm watching a cheesy, but clean romance.  I'm having one of my favorite dinners and reminding myself why I love my life and me.  :-)  (I may even cut my hair!)  Because I made time to take care of some emotional baggage (past and present), nurture myself, and feed my soul, I will be a much happier and nicer mother!

me being my happy self!

Happy Friday!!

Little Carin Photos

A long while ago my mother brought several photos with her for me to scan into the computer.  The deal was, she would leave them here for me to scan and then I would mail them back to her.  I still have yet to mail them, but I did scan them!!!  I thought you might like to see some of them?

You can compare them to my children.
Family photos first:

Before the baby. (early 70's)

After the baby, same dress and pants :-)

Mid 70's

Late 70's

Early 80's

Late 80's

I think I will post the individuals another day.  One thing I couldn't help but notice was my father's eyes and facial expressions.  In the early family photos, he seems so happy and he looks twinkly.  As the photos age, his countenance drops and his twinkly-ness goes away, my mom too.  The other thing I noticed was how all of our clothing is 'time-period' appropriate.  Scary.  I never realized my mom was a fashion guru :-)

Don't we look so cute?!!  We started off so very well!!  The gospel became a part of our family and my parents were sealed just before I was born.  During my teenage years things began to fall apart.  I already documented some of my father's sorrows (Here and Here).  The financial pressures on our family were great and my father kept thinking we needed more money.  I don't know if he pressured my mother to work or if she decided to work to help ease his burden.  Whatever the reason, working proved to be the straw that broke my family in two.  My mother was stretched thin.  My father was stretched thin.  No one was home to keep tabs on us children.  I kept busy with school things and extracurricular activities.  My brother got into trouble with substance abuse and the law, which caused more stress on my already maxed out parents.  Sundays became a day to rest and recuperate instead of a day to worship and most Sundays, we were not attending church because it was just one more thing to try to get done during the week.  All of this stress and time spent away from the family and everyone's needs not being met, provided fertile ground for Lucifer to introduce many, many temptations into everyone's lives.  As some of us fell to those temptations, feelings were hurt and relationships destroyed.  Fear replaced faith.  Fatigue replaced anyone's ability to nurture and help others.  Everyone was on a course for themselves.

My mother ran away because she was overwhelmed with burden and grief.  My father, who was not a nurturer anyway, just tried to keep busy with work and console his aching heart with other women.  I ran off to college, because I knew if I stayed I would be drained of my ability to do anything.  This mess was not my responsibility.  Though my father begged me to stay and help out the family, I knew in my heart that was the wrong decision.  How hard is that?  To be a fixer and a builder and to know that if you stay to try and help your efforts will amount to nothing.  This is not a situation that I could fix.  I had to leave.  The ship was sinking and if I stayed, I would go down with it.  My little sisters were only 10 and 9, and I had to leave them home with my parents who couldn't take care of themselves, let alone their children.

My father is still angry at me for leaving.  Periodically he reminds me that I left when the family needed me.  How can I tell him that I knew if I stayed I would die spiritually with them?  It is not something he needs to hear, just something I have to tell myself when his words wound my heart.

Wow, I had no idea I had all of that to share.  This was just suppose to be a post with my family photos :-)  I guess there is still a lot of emotional work to do.  This is just a part of how divorce has affected me personally.  I have been blessed to have the gospel to cling to when these tragedies struck my family.  The family I have created comes from the principles taught in the gospel of Jesus Christ, specifically The Family: A Proclamation to the World and because Drew and I have been and are obedient to those principles.  My siblings have not been so lucky.  Their testimonies were not quite developed when tragedy struck for them.  They have not had the added blessing of the gospel framework within to build their families.

My parents' choices to fall to temptations instead of fight with obedience and faith has affected generations of people and their ability to build strong, happy families.  Just like a couple who does choose to fight through temptations with faith and obedience, who chooses to apply the doctrinal principles in their lives and to forgive and love and use the atonement of our Savior to heal their hearts will weave a legacy of faith and obedience and willingness to persevere throughout generations of their families.  So then I guess the question is, what are you doing with your choices and temptations and sorrows?  Are you using gospel principles and obedience and faith to fight the battles you have in front of you?  Or are you falling to the temptations?  You will affect generations!  I can guarantee it!





PS....Decided to link this up with Chocolate on my Cranium for Celebrating the Family this week!  Not specifically about a specific part of the proclamation, but definitely addresses the principles.  And if you want to read more, check out today's post: Family First Friday #5!