Tuesday I had another Miss P incident (reference here and here, if you missed it). Being in a decent place emotionally with the Miss P situation, I sent a prompt email. Basically, I'm tired of this. Please stop! Not rude, not biting, simply 'This is the behavior. It bothers me. Please stop.' Send. I didn't even tell Drew I sent it, until later that evening.
Wednesday, I posted about my family of origin (post here), where I obviously had some unresolved issues. After I wrote the post, I spoke with my sister for about two hours---just normal sister talk about life, kids, school, etc... By the time evening rolled around, I wondered if I was stuffing feelings. By morning, I knew I was.
I am always amazed at how efficiently and unconsciously I can do it. I have noticed with new emotions and feelings, I have grown enough that I don't stuff it. If someone says something today or at church and my feelings are hurt, I can cry and be upset in the moment. But if the feelings are deep and old---I have usually stuffed them before I even knew they were there. It's scary that it happens so quickly and without any thought.
I talked through my feelings with Drew in the morning. I realized that I had never emotionally walked through the door of leaving my little sisters behind when I left for college. My family was falling apart. The ship was sinking and I couldn't save them. I couldn't take them with me. The pain was so deep and so intense that I had to block it out so that I could keep functioning and survive. All of these years and I had never chosen to open the door to those emotions, mostly because I wasn't even aware they were there. But here they are, still waiting for me after all these years.
I needed a good cry---as my friend Linzy says, the ugly cry---the one where your face is all puffy and red, and your nose is clogged from all the crying. You know the look.
|this is close....|
Wednesday morning was also when I received Miss P's response to my email, simply, "I'm sorry. That wasn't my intent. I didn't mean to offend on of your children."
Because I was already in such an emotionally vulnerable place, I was able to respond to her email immediately and from the heart. I just said, "My feelings have been really hurt. I know things have been hard for you too. I am tired of this. Can't we be friends?" And I let it go. I do not know if she will respond or what she will say. And you know what? It really doesn't matter to me.
Here's the crazy part. I believe that if I had not been in such an emotional state, I wouldn't have responded so honestly and openly to the pain and heartache which had been happening in the present.
Today I have been nurturing my soul. I threw my diet out the window (not binge eating, just not strictly following the plan). I have spent hours this week writing, reading, and visiting with people I love. The rain is falling and I'm watching a cheesy, but clean romance. I'm having one of my favorite dinners and reminding myself why I love my life and me. :-) (I may even cut my hair!) Because I made time to take care of some emotional baggage (past and present), nurture myself, and feed my soul, I will be a much happier and nicer mother!
|me being my happy self!|