Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Struggling. . . . . . .

This is where I am right now in so very many aspects of my life.  Every once in a while I think I finally have a handle on things.  Then I am quickly reminded that I am nowhere near close.  I think that is one of the reasons we have had another baby.  I was finally getting to the place where my house was mostly clean, most of the time; the children were all reading, almost all bike riding, mostly swimming.  I could always shower.  The laundry was caught up.  I even would make the children clean their rooms once in a while and scrub mold out of windows and off of walls.  And on very few occasions, I was even out in the garden and doing yard work.  All of that is out of the window and I am constantly struggling.  Spencer reminds me that he asked me to wash his socks two days ago because he doesn’t have any clean.  The breakfast dishes don’t get done until I am trying to cook dinner.  Part of my brain fog this week is that I am sick….but still plugging on.  I do not take enough time to process my emotions because I am so busy trying to run our household.  At these moments I just think, why??  Why??  Why do I have to be back in this place??  Didn’t I do a good enough job the first time?  Haven’t I done this enough?  Why do I have to do it again?  I thought this was over.

Well, in the very quiet moments, I know why.  It is because only in this place do I really turn my entire self to God.  It is because I really, truly cannot manage this on my own and I plead for help and I plead for strength and I beg for release.  Because it is only when there is too much for me to manage, too much for me to stuff, too much of everyone and everything that I really open my heart and rely on the Atonement.  Having a baby puts me there.  It is the sheer physical exhaustion and the demand it creates when I just don’t have the energy to stuff it all inside, put my head down and keep working.

The REAL question is WHY do I have to be in this place BEFORE I turn it all over.  WHY don’t I do it sooner?  I am so very arrogant sometimes to feel so in control.  I am a CONTROL FREAK!!  And now I need to go and take care of some of those beautiful little people the Lord has sent to remind me that I am not in control… or ever!

1 comment:

  1. Good job digging out those feelings. Beautifully said. I hear you, and I'm in a similar boat.

    (I finally have speakers on my computer, and I really like your playlist!) :)


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