Wednesday, April 17, 2013

My Emotional Journey (Part 2)

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Early in February, my  husband received a job announcement from an anonymous source in his email at work.  The announcement was for his current position in a larger court, closer to his parents.  We were intrigued.  The general announcement for the position didn't come to the human resources office until 10 days later.  We discussed the possibility of applying.

As I seriously pondered and prayed about the option, I told Heavenly Father that I did not see any way we realistically could go.  The cost of living was higher there.  We would need two reliable cars.  (We have been surviving for almost a year with one car [2000] and five seat-belts---but that is a story for another day.)  Sport is getting ready to begin his Senior year.  Even though the salary would be higher because of the cost of living issues, we would receive a drop our take-home pay.  We are finally in a home where the landlord won't just decide to kick us out (which has happened in three rentals we have lived in)!  As I expressed all of my reasons for not pursuing the option, I heard these words, "Counsel me not".  O-Kay!!  Maybe He wants us to go.....

I started getting purging promptings.  'Get rid of this.  Get rid of that.  Make packing easier.  Do it today!'  I kept getting information that led me to believe we were going to get this job and make the move.  We made the decision to apply and the promptings increased.  I began praying that we would know the Lord's will.  I kept receiving moving information and I became attached to the idea.  I wanted it! 

I began praying for it--that we would get the job and things would work so we could move.  I had been told not to talk to anyone about the possibility.  My sweetheart was willing to participate in the process, but he didn't ever believe it would be wise to take the job, even if they offered it to us.  I knew my husband well enough to know that even if he didn't think it was wise, if the Lord told him to do something, he would do it.  I just figured the Lord would let him know when it was time, so I didn't worry too much that he kept telling me he didn't think we would be moving.

In mid-March, Drew received the phone call inviting him to the interview mid-April.  Yea!!  Things were headed in the right direction!  I became more emotionally attached to moving.

As we periodically discussed the possibility and began looking for homes and at schools, finding where the church buildings were located and checking the ward boundaries, I got excited!  (I hate leaving the people I love behind, but I also really love meeting new people.  I always find kindred spirits wherever I go.  I pick up new and dear friends with each move, even though I really hate moving!)

My husband could see that I really, really wanted to go and he asked me about it.  I had to really think about my desires.  I came to several conclusions:  I didn't feel like the work I was doing in my ward was significant, most of my kindred spirit friends had moved away or were busy, and I was lonely.  These reasons were all new to me.  I didn't realize that I felt that way.  It wasn't until I explored the possibility of leaving that I allowed those emotions to reach the surface of my consciousness.  I had subconsciously buried those negative emotions.  Crazy.

About a week before General Conference, my husband asked me to consider not attending the interview and to include it as one of my conference questions.  I started to panic just a little.  Then I reasoned, "Sure, I would include it" but I knew we were moving and in order to move, we would have to have a job.  No brainer---we were going to the interview.

I pondered my husband's thoughts over the next few days.  Two days before conference, I knew if we attended the interview, we would get the job, and we could move, if that is what I wanted to do.  But the Spirit also let me know, that it wasn't necessarily what the Lord wanted, it was what I wanted.  He would allow it, but I needed to understand my motivations for wanting it and pursuing the process.  Ugh!

As I reviewed my reasoning and whether or not moving and a new job was a wise decision for my family, I already knew the answer.  I hadn't thought it was wise at the beginning---but now I was emotionally attached to the idea.  I WANTED it!  But could I really ask my family to make all of those sacrifices simply because I was unhappy and wanted something else??  No, that would be ridiculous and unfair.  I knew before conference that we shouldn't move and if we weren't going to take the job, we shouldn't attend the interview either.

During conference, it was confirmed.  The Lord has things for us to do here.  The work I am doing in my ward (my callings) is important and is making a difference even if I cannot see how.  Drew sent his letter to withdraw from the interview Tuesday after conference.

Drew's interview was suppose to be yesterday @ 2:00 p.m.

My next post will discuss some of my spiritual insights into my process and this experience.

Stay tuned!

"You are here on earth for a divine purpose.  It is not to be endlessly entertained or to be constantly in pursuit of pleasure.  You are here to be tried, to prove yourself so that you can receive the additional blessings God has for you.  The tempering effect of patience is required."  Elder Richard G. Scott (Finding Joy in Life)

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